The year is gone but it has made us strong.
The path was long but we walked it with a song.
There were fears and tears but we also had reasons for cheers.
Goodbye 2008...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
the end of 2008...
I find the end of the year is a natural time for reflection. I block out some quiet time and look back on the past twelve months. These are some of the questions I ponder. What has worked for me? What hasn't? What goals did I achieve? What am I proudest of? What regrets do I have? What do I need to do more?
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
do we practice listening?
Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force...When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life...When we listen to people there is an alternating current, and this recharges us so that we never get tired of each other...and it is this little creative fountain inside us that begins to spring and cast up new thoughts and unexpected laughter and wisdom. ...Well, it is when people really listen to us, with quiet facinated attention, that the little fountain begins to work again, to accelerate in the most surprising way.
It is the province of knowledge to speak And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
The first duty of love is to listen.
It is the province of knowledge to speak And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
The first duty of love is to listen.
the phone call with him...
It's was the morning of Saturday, 27th December 2008.
I was awake very early in the morning today around 6.00am.
I have been thinking when I should be calling him and approaching him on the house matters. So, I kept myself tug in bed thinking of the way I should approach things so that matters would be solve in a nice and proper manner.
After couple of hours thinking, I finally got out of my bed and wash my face. I’ve decided to give him a call today.
“Hello.” I said
“Hello.” He said
“You’re still sleeping?” I said
“Hmm…” He said
“You continue with your sleep then. Give me a call back when you’re awake.” I said
It’s ok. What is it? You can talk.” He said
“So, how the house matters? Would you be willing to transfer the house title name and everything all to my name?” I asked
“Ya. But do you know how much you would need to spend on all these name transfer matters? Especially on the procedures. You need to spend a lot of money.” He asked
He knew about the expenses involved in the house title name transfer from his so called sister. And know there’s another way of settling it as she have mentioned and explained to him earlier.
“Yes. But I don’t have a choice?” I asked him
Tears were building up in my eyes and are rolling down my cheeks. I began to cry.
I still loved and missed him. However, I do not have any other choices as he has said that his heart is no longer with me and he doesn’t love me anymore.
“What do you mean?” He said
"I don’t have a choice." I said
“I can’t even get hold of her. I don’t know where she is. I can’t get her.” I said
“I’ll get her to call you.” He said
“What can I do?” I said
“Yes. I need to spend around 30K for all these. Lawyer Fees around 10K, Bank penalty charges around 10K, developer charges and etc another 10K, and minimum would be around 30K. I need to spend.” I said
“Do I have a choice? I don’t have a choice. Therefore I have to take a bank loan for all these.” I said
“I’ll get her to call you and explain to you.” He said
“No need. I have decided.” I said
“Why don’t you want to listen to others?” He said
“I always listen to others, always listen to you. But when does a person have heard me out before? Every time I also listen to others. When others have listened to me before?” I said
“I ask you, I also have said many things to you but have you ever listened to me?” I said
“Why do you want to do things this way and just throw away 30K just like that?” He said
“There’s another way to settle these things without spend 30K and you don’t want to listen.” He said
“Why do you want to do all these things in such an impatient manner? Have I said I want to take the house from you?” He said
“I would like to settle these things fast. I don’t want to suffer anymore.” I said
“Everything also you decide. When have I the right to decide.” I said
“Let you decide is also depends on the whole situation. One way, need to spend 30K while another way do not need to spend 30K. Why don’t you want to listen?” He said
“You want to be together, we be together. You want to split, we split. Now the house matters I want to settle the house in this way you say got another way, you want me to listen to you.” I said
“You want to get married, we get married. You don’t want to get married, we don’t get married.” I said
“Do you understand the where the situation is or not?” He said
“Do you know how much is all these 30K is? Do you think it’s little? It’s one whole year of income.” He asked and said
“Of course I know.” I said (cos a friend did said to me that I can buy a car with this amount)
“Do I have a choice I’m asking you? If I don’t do it this way, do I have a choice?” I said
“Now you have another choice. Why you don’t you want to take the other choice?” He said
“That way is still considered as name transfer, my name would not be there. After 5 years then only you officially do the name transfer. Then you can save another lump sum of money there.” He said
“I know, at that time the lawyer wants you to come back out and sign the papers than how am I to look for you at that time? What if I can’t find you?” I said
“Why won’t you be able to find me?” He said
“I do not know. Nobody knows what will happen.” I said
“Today, I do not know what will happen tomorrow.” I said
“You can ask me this question, why I can’t find you, then I shall ask you back why today we end up like this now, what did you promise me before, you ask back yourself what have you promised me earlier.” I said
“Then if you want just throw away 30K like that, then you just go ahead. The things I tell you, you totally don’t want to listen to me at all.” He said
“There another way to do it where you don’t need to spend so much money you don’t want to listen.” He said
“You are avoiding the subject matter.” I said
“I ask you what if I can’t find you. OK then treats as I could find you.” I said
“Why? Are you afraid that at that time I will want to take the house back from you is it?” He said
“I do not know what will happen.” I said
“I tell you I with you for 3 years and yet you still don’t know who I am?” He said
“I know what type of person you are. But you’ve changed. You’ve changed and made me cry for so many months.” I said
“When I first started with you, you tell me what have you promised me. I’m asking you. You tell me. You tell me what have you promised me before.” I said
“Is it that now that we sees that there’s a problem already and yet we still want to go ahead with the marriage?” He said
“Do you know how the problem actually arose? I ask you this. Have you ever thought about it?” I said
“Now the problem is on me.” He said
May no problem, June, but come July you come tell me you don’t want to get married anymore, you want to split up. Cos at that time you kept on saying that I keep losing my temper. Always losing my temper.” I said
Kept saying I’m always losing my temper. Keep saying my temper. I said
“But at time why I was like that, what have happened to me at that time, what I was going through at that time, have you understood my situation at all? I ask you.” I said
“Last time you always say, it’s me. Now you turn things around and say it’s you.” I said
“Have you actually taken time to understand the situation before? I’m asking you. When I was with the previous company, did you understand the situation I was in?” I said
“You want to follow and choose your own way you go ahead.” He said
“I let you be. I don’t want to say anything.” He said
“Found another way for you to save money you don’t want but want to choose your way to give the money to the bank.” He said
“There’s another way for you to settle things you don’t want but want to throw your money away like that to the bank you go ahead.” He said
“Will let you decide everything on your own now that you want to decide, I let you decide while all the while the things I say you don’t want to listen.” He said
“I let you decide.” He said
“When have I not listened to you? All the while I’ve listen to you.” I said
“I’m talking about the house now.” He said
“House matters all the while have I listen to you or not? I ask you.” I said
“House matter when have I not listened to you? I ask you. All the while I listened to you.” I said
“House matters when have I not listened to you? You ask me to settle the house matters all on my own. OK. I went and settle everything on my own.” I said
“When I approach you on certain things regarding on the house matters, you ask me to settle it and decide as I wish and like and settle it on my own. I still went and carried on settling all the outstanding matters all on my own.” I said
“House you say want to buy, you chose the location and all. I only chose that particular house only.” I said
“Then after that, when things happened, you blame everything on the house and then you blame everything on me.” I said
“Ya lor…this is why I say I’m the one with the problem and the problem is on me.” He said
“I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m telling you. I can still sit here is considered very very lucky.” I said
“I call is not to want to argue with you. I just want to settle things only.” I said
“Every night I sleep I will always dream of you. Is this what you want to hear?” I said
“You think and feel you’ll be happier without me, you go ahead.” I said
“When you became K2 president you began to change, I’ve warned you earlier.” I said
“When it started affecting us I’ve told you already.” I said
“I do not know what’s your problem, as you don’t want to tell. Many things you don’t want to tell me. Many things you don’t want to talk to me. You don’t want to talk to me.” I said
“Together for 3 years, 3 years also you don’t want to talk to me.” I said
“Before, when your work makes you unhappy you would call me every day, you complain to me all the time. I would listen, talk to you and encourage you.” I said
“Then only we can be happy and we would know what is going on with each other. I tell you everything, you tell me everything, then we would know what’s happening to each other daily and understand each other feelings every day.” I said
“But right now after that nothing already.” I said
“I’ve never asked anything from you at all. I just wanted your heart to be with me that’s all. I don’t need you to be rich. I don’t need you to buy me expensive stuff. I don’t want all those things.” I said
“Money can buy a lot of things, money cannot buy love, money cannot buy family, money cannot buy relationships.” I said
At the end of the conversation I said “If you have nothing else to say to me, I shall hang up.”
He kept quiet. Therefore I just ended the phone call.
I cried throughout the conversation and was still crying at this time. Probably the feelings all came back naturally.
The reason of waking up early was also that my car was already due for service a month back. As I was financially extremely tight back in November, I postponed my car servicing. Finally, I managed to last till now and salary is already in, therefore I quickly send my car for service and repair. My car windows were spoilt since beginning of the year but did not fix it due to financial wise.
After the phone call, I continued crying for a while.
I then washed my face, changed and went out to get newspaper and headed to the workshop.
After couple of hours, my car was finally serviced and I fixed 1 of my windows only. At least I have 1 window working J. As I thought of splitting my expenses up so that by finances would be ok for the month as economy will be going downstream.
Need to save up too J
I was awake very early in the morning today around 6.00am.
I have been thinking when I should be calling him and approaching him on the house matters. So, I kept myself tug in bed thinking of the way I should approach things so that matters would be solve in a nice and proper manner.
After couple of hours thinking, I finally got out of my bed and wash my face. I’ve decided to give him a call today.
“Hello.” I said
“Hello.” He said
“You’re still sleeping?” I said
“Hmm…” He said
“You continue with your sleep then. Give me a call back when you’re awake.” I said
It’s ok. What is it? You can talk.” He said
“So, how the house matters? Would you be willing to transfer the house title name and everything all to my name?” I asked
“Ya. But do you know how much you would need to spend on all these name transfer matters? Especially on the procedures. You need to spend a lot of money.” He asked
He knew about the expenses involved in the house title name transfer from his so called sister. And know there’s another way of settling it as she have mentioned and explained to him earlier.
“Yes. But I don’t have a choice?” I asked him
Tears were building up in my eyes and are rolling down my cheeks. I began to cry.
I still loved and missed him. However, I do not have any other choices as he has said that his heart is no longer with me and he doesn’t love me anymore.
“What do you mean?” He said
"I don’t have a choice." I said
“I can’t even get hold of her. I don’t know where she is. I can’t get her.” I said
“I’ll get her to call you.” He said
“What can I do?” I said
“Yes. I need to spend around 30K for all these. Lawyer Fees around 10K, Bank penalty charges around 10K, developer charges and etc another 10K, and minimum would be around 30K. I need to spend.” I said
“Do I have a choice? I don’t have a choice. Therefore I have to take a bank loan for all these.” I said
“I’ll get her to call you and explain to you.” He said
“No need. I have decided.” I said
“Why don’t you want to listen to others?” He said
“I always listen to others, always listen to you. But when does a person have heard me out before? Every time I also listen to others. When others have listened to me before?” I said
“I ask you, I also have said many things to you but have you ever listened to me?” I said
“Why do you want to do things this way and just throw away 30K just like that?” He said
“There’s another way to settle these things without spend 30K and you don’t want to listen.” He said
“Why do you want to do all these things in such an impatient manner? Have I said I want to take the house from you?” He said
“I would like to settle these things fast. I don’t want to suffer anymore.” I said
“Everything also you decide. When have I the right to decide.” I said
“Let you decide is also depends on the whole situation. One way, need to spend 30K while another way do not need to spend 30K. Why don’t you want to listen?” He said
“You want to be together, we be together. You want to split, we split. Now the house matters I want to settle the house in this way you say got another way, you want me to listen to you.” I said
“You want to get married, we get married. You don’t want to get married, we don’t get married.” I said
“Do you understand the where the situation is or not?” He said
“Do you know how much is all these 30K is? Do you think it’s little? It’s one whole year of income.” He asked and said
“Of course I know.” I said (cos a friend did said to me that I can buy a car with this amount)
“Do I have a choice I’m asking you? If I don’t do it this way, do I have a choice?” I said
“Now you have another choice. Why you don’t you want to take the other choice?” He said
“That way is still considered as name transfer, my name would not be there. After 5 years then only you officially do the name transfer. Then you can save another lump sum of money there.” He said
“I know, at that time the lawyer wants you to come back out and sign the papers than how am I to look for you at that time? What if I can’t find you?” I said
“Why won’t you be able to find me?” He said
“I do not know. Nobody knows what will happen.” I said
“Today, I do not know what will happen tomorrow.” I said
“You can ask me this question, why I can’t find you, then I shall ask you back why today we end up like this now, what did you promise me before, you ask back yourself what have you promised me earlier.” I said
“Then if you want just throw away 30K like that, then you just go ahead. The things I tell you, you totally don’t want to listen to me at all.” He said
“There another way to do it where you don’t need to spend so much money you don’t want to listen.” He said
“You are avoiding the subject matter.” I said
“I ask you what if I can’t find you. OK then treats as I could find you.” I said
“Why? Are you afraid that at that time I will want to take the house back from you is it?” He said
“I do not know what will happen.” I said
“I tell you I with you for 3 years and yet you still don’t know who I am?” He said
“I know what type of person you are. But you’ve changed. You’ve changed and made me cry for so many months.” I said
“When I first started with you, you tell me what have you promised me. I’m asking you. You tell me. You tell me what have you promised me before.” I said
“Is it that now that we sees that there’s a problem already and yet we still want to go ahead with the marriage?” He said
“Do you know how the problem actually arose? I ask you this. Have you ever thought about it?” I said
“Now the problem is on me.” He said
May no problem, June, but come July you come tell me you don’t want to get married anymore, you want to split up. Cos at that time you kept on saying that I keep losing my temper. Always losing my temper.” I said
Kept saying I’m always losing my temper. Keep saying my temper. I said
“But at time why I was like that, what have happened to me at that time, what I was going through at that time, have you understood my situation at all? I ask you.” I said
“Last time you always say, it’s me. Now you turn things around and say it’s you.” I said
“Have you actually taken time to understand the situation before? I’m asking you. When I was with the previous company, did you understand the situation I was in?” I said
“You want to follow and choose your own way you go ahead.” He said
“I let you be. I don’t want to say anything.” He said
“Found another way for you to save money you don’t want but want to choose your way to give the money to the bank.” He said
“There’s another way for you to settle things you don’t want but want to throw your money away like that to the bank you go ahead.” He said
“Will let you decide everything on your own now that you want to decide, I let you decide while all the while the things I say you don’t want to listen.” He said
“I let you decide.” He said
“When have I not listened to you? All the while I’ve listen to you.” I said
“I’m talking about the house now.” He said
“House matters all the while have I listen to you or not? I ask you.” I said
“House matter when have I not listened to you? I ask you. All the while I listened to you.” I said
“House matters when have I not listened to you? You ask me to settle the house matters all on my own. OK. I went and settle everything on my own.” I said
“When I approach you on certain things regarding on the house matters, you ask me to settle it and decide as I wish and like and settle it on my own. I still went and carried on settling all the outstanding matters all on my own.” I said
“House you say want to buy, you chose the location and all. I only chose that particular house only.” I said
“Then after that, when things happened, you blame everything on the house and then you blame everything on me.” I said
“Ya lor…this is why I say I’m the one with the problem and the problem is on me.” He said
“I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m telling you. I can still sit here is considered very very lucky.” I said
“I call is not to want to argue with you. I just want to settle things only.” I said
“Every night I sleep I will always dream of you. Is this what you want to hear?” I said
“You think and feel you’ll be happier without me, you go ahead.” I said
“When you became K2 president you began to change, I’ve warned you earlier.” I said
“When it started affecting us I’ve told you already.” I said
“I do not know what’s your problem, as you don’t want to tell. Many things you don’t want to tell me. Many things you don’t want to talk to me. You don’t want to talk to me.” I said
“Together for 3 years, 3 years also you don’t want to talk to me.” I said
“Before, when your work makes you unhappy you would call me every day, you complain to me all the time. I would listen, talk to you and encourage you.” I said
“Then only we can be happy and we would know what is going on with each other. I tell you everything, you tell me everything, then we would know what’s happening to each other daily and understand each other feelings every day.” I said
“But right now after that nothing already.” I said
“I’ve never asked anything from you at all. I just wanted your heart to be with me that’s all. I don’t need you to be rich. I don’t need you to buy me expensive stuff. I don’t want all those things.” I said
“Money can buy a lot of things, money cannot buy love, money cannot buy family, money cannot buy relationships.” I said
At the end of the conversation I said “If you have nothing else to say to me, I shall hang up.”
He kept quiet. Therefore I just ended the phone call.
I cried throughout the conversation and was still crying at this time. Probably the feelings all came back naturally.
The reason of waking up early was also that my car was already due for service a month back. As I was financially extremely tight back in November, I postponed my car servicing. Finally, I managed to last till now and salary is already in, therefore I quickly send my car for service and repair. My car windows were spoilt since beginning of the year but did not fix it due to financial wise.
After the phone call, I continued crying for a while.
I then washed my face, changed and went out to get newspaper and headed to the workshop.
After couple of hours, my car was finally serviced and I fixed 1 of my windows only. At least I have 1 window working J. As I thought of splitting my expenses up so that by finances would be ok for the month as economy will be going downstream.
Need to save up too J
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas
A day to Meet
An occassion to Greet
A moment to Forgive
A time to Forget
A festival of Love
On this auspicious day, I felt the loneliness in me. The feelings came back to me all at once again. I missed the moments and memories. Many will look forward to these times but I wish December, January, February and March will just dissappear from my calendar.
It was all my attitude and temper that has caused him to walk away. It was all my fault that all these happened. I've lost everything I had and my happiness has stopped.
Friends didn't want me to stay at home and got me out till wee hours in the morning. I had some fun by just forgetting some things for some moment. However as my friends had fun as they were all couples, seeing them happily together tears just build up in my eyes and I recalled the happiness that I had. The memories all came back to me again and again. I held my tears so tightly so that it will not flow through. Forced myself to smile but the smile on my face was just not the natural smiles I had. I know I cannot let my friends know so I just had to pretend. I just continued to smile and laugh with them.
An occassion to Greet
A moment to Forgive
A time to Forget
A festival of Love
On this auspicious day, I felt the loneliness in me. The feelings came back to me all at once again. I missed the moments and memories. Many will look forward to these times but I wish December, January, February and March will just dissappear from my calendar.
It was all my attitude and temper that has caused him to walk away. It was all my fault that all these happened. I've lost everything I had and my happiness has stopped.
Friends didn't want me to stay at home and got me out till wee hours in the morning. I had some fun by just forgetting some things for some moment. However as my friends had fun as they were all couples, seeing them happily together tears just build up in my eyes and I recalled the happiness that I had. The memories all came back to me again and again. I held my tears so tightly so that it will not flow through. Forced myself to smile but the smile on my face was just not the natural smiles I had. I know I cannot let my friends know so I just had to pretend. I just continued to smile and laugh with them.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
...30K
Everyone knows that we have bought a house which was suppose to be our future home. However no one knows that I am the one that have been servicing the house interest and loan from day 1 even thou in the begining we have made an agreement that I will pay for the house interest while he pays for the insurance and settle off his cc. As when the house loan comes in we would need to do a half half thing. The housing loan interest is not low but as high as 1k plus. Of course then the house loan would be much higher.
I've been keeping this from everyone and I really meant it. I did not said anything to anyone including his and my family all these while as all the while cos I wanted him to have some face as everyone needs to save some dignity. However, right now as he blames me, he has left me no choice but to tell the story. I'm a just a plain normal girl who just wants her dignity back and if GOD provides she would also like to have the house which she has spend a great amount on. I've been having all the arrows pointing at me and it's enough of pain and sorrow that I could bear any longer.
Settling the house matters is not as easy as abc. Many procedures and much amount need to be spend on...estimated figure @ 30K. I have not figured out how yet. I do not know where to find this amount of money.
I've been keeping this from everyone and I really meant it. I did not said anything to anyone including his and my family all these while as all the while cos I wanted him to have some face as everyone needs to save some dignity. However, right now as he blames me, he has left me no choice but to tell the story. I'm a just a plain normal girl who just wants her dignity back and if GOD provides she would also like to have the house which she has spend a great amount on. I've been having all the arrows pointing at me and it's enough of pain and sorrow that I could bear any longer.
Settling the house matters is not as easy as abc. Many procedures and much amount need to be spend on...estimated figure @ 30K. I have not figured out how yet. I do not know where to find this amount of money.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
to all the angles around me
To all the angels in my life - millions of thank you. I m deeply touched by your every gesture of kindness and every word of care, comfort & best wishes. You've made me feel I m loved! : )
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
quote to ponder
The wise old owl lived in an oak;
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard:
Why can't we all be like that bird?
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard:
Why can't we all be like that bird?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
going up, going down
today's mood is swinging... dunno y suddenly feeling very down and very sad?
thought i should be relieved and glad...
thought i should be relieved and glad...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
A Visit to His Mum
After months of sleepless nights, crying, being in a stage depression, having friends consoling me, I finally decided to make a visit to his mum after months of thought with the only intention of explaining to his mum of how the tables were turned, how things has transpired to be in this stage and what actually has happened. Many have asked me why do I want meet his mum for? Am I expecting his mum to change things?
My answer to all these is “No.” I had a sense that the family does not know anything but only knows it’s my entire fault, attitude and my temper. Friends have also warned me that his mum will definitely side his son no matter in what circumstances. I know this for sure and I’m well prepared for all these. I’ve lost my dignity and I just wanted my dignity back. I don’t want to loose the house and I want my house back. I’ve paid up so much for the house where I can’t afford to loose 40K ++ just like that.
The morning came and I prepared myself to travel to his home to meet his mum. Knowing he’s out of the country for a holiday. I said to his mum that I came is because I would like to let her know what actually has happened.
I said “He moved in to my place as I offered my place for him as it would be nearer for him to travel to his new office. Both of us had a new job and change of living environment at the same time. Just with only 2 months period of staying together he could just say don’t want to get married anymore and want to split with me.”
I said “To him, staying at my place was a major change for him in environment. As he reaches home around 6.00pm to 6.30pm while I only reaches home earliest around 8.00pm where I would try my best to go home as early as possible to be with him, accompany him, have dinner with him, spend time with him and etc. I was trying to make him feel as comfortable as he can be.”
After he said those hurtful words to me. He added “He’s like troubling my brother, my parents, and my brother may not like him staying here and etc.” He went thinking of unnecessary things.
I said “He goes back to an empty house. If compared to his home here, he comes home to a lively home where he has parents, brothers, sisters-in-law and nephew. Lots of people, lots of noise. His home here, he comes home from work, he has you as the mum to talk to, he has dinner prepared for him and every other household matter is done for him. He doesn’t need to worry about anything.”
I said “He’s very much fortunate than me and my brother. He has parents and family here. Compared to my brother and myself, we are on our own after Form 5. When we are hungry, we look for our own food. We have to do everything on our own, example laundry, cleaning, moving, finances and etc as if we don’t do our laundry we won’t have clothes to wear.”
I said “We have a different life. Everyone has their own different lifestyle. Nobody grew up the same way.”
I said to his mum “I know I loose my temper like that is my fault and I don’t deny it. After 1 week plus of working in the new company, I came home telling him that I’m unhappy with the job, I feel very very stressful, tired, headache, difficulty in breathing and I don’t think I like these type of job with especially so many reports to do.”
Within 2 weeks in the new job my weight went down from 40kg to 35kg. I had sleepless nights and countless work worries.
I said “He scolded me “Which job is easy, not stressful, do you think is so easy to get a job now?” What he said is correct and true, however he doesn’t need to scold and shout at me right. I’m only a girl. My strength level is not as strong as guys.”
I said “I just kept quiet and continue working and continuously hinting to him about what I’ve mentioned to him earlier.”
I said “The things he said is true but he didn’t need to scold me in a loud manner right.”
I said “I don’t believe there are 2 of the same kind in the world.” “I don’t believe there’s no couple’s that would not quarrel. Be it a couple in a courting stage relationship, family or husband and wife who would not quarrel.” “If every couple who quarrels and opts for the easy way out which is to stop the relationship, those in courting stages will separate and those in marriage will divorce. No wonder divorce rate is increasing. Then why do we want to spend so much time, effort and money to a marriage.”
I said “When I first stated off with him, he doesn’t have much money. Whenever he doesn’t have I’ll give him. Whenever I see his wallet empty, I’ll quietly put in some for him. When he travels outstation and don’t have money, he’ll let me know and I’ll transfer to him immediately. Cos I’ve told him before that he must let me know when he don’t have enough as he cannot travel without any cash in hand. When he’s outstation and forgot to pay credit card, he’ll call me and I’ll quickly drive to the bank and settle the payment for him. I did not ask him back for all these as to me, when 2 of person are together the most important thing is happiness. Do not need to be calculative on these things as all these are not that important as we can slowly accommodate and plan on it.”
I said “Before, when he was working with his Indian boss, whenever he’s not happy and everyday he’ll call me to complain, voice his heart out, make noise and I’ll just listen, console him and encourage him till an extent I said to him that I think you should try looking for other jobs. Looking for a job doesn’t mean you have to change job but at least you know what’s your value and how much you’re worth outside in the market. I slowly kick him to move, I wrote his resume for him, print his resume for him, bought newspaper, look for jobs for him and send his resumes to the positions I found. Encourage him to go for the interviews, keep on encouraging him after some bad interviews and even accompany him to an interview which was successful and where he’s working now, with a much better and higher pay, better working environment and an improved job scope. But when I tried to share with him about my work issues and problems, all he did was just to scold me only. He didn’t bother to ask.”
His mum said “He did not tell them anything as he does not want the family to worry. Since young he will always settle his own things. Doesn’t need the family members to worry about him.”
I said “I’m also the same. After what has happened, I did not tell my parents anything only tills after a very long period.”
His mum said “He’s the person that can’t be controlled in whatever he wants to do or does and etc.”
I said “Auntie, I didn’t control him, wherever he wants to go, whoever that he wants to go out with, whatever that he wants to do, I would just say “OK” and would only ask him where he’s going, with who and would always remind him to be careful.”
“Whenever he wants to go out with his friends, go for his basketball games, karaoke...I would always ask him go and have fun. However, basketball games till 12am still not back yet; I would normally call him not to check on him but are concern of his safety. The safety in the country are worst compared to previous years. My girl friend brother was just sitting at Starbucks can also be robbed. The least he picks up my call and said they’ve just done with their games and are heading for a drink 1st, where hearing his voice will then put my heart at peace.”
“Going for karaoke with his colleagues, informing that he’ll be back by 10-10+pm. However, upon reaching home around 10pm and sees he’s still not back yet, I just continue working on my unfinished task from office till suddenly realizing it’s almost midnight, I began to worry as he’s still not back, no phone calls, no sms, I began calling his mobile and only on the 4th call he picks up, as at this moment I’m already worried. Upon hearing his voice my heart was at peace immediately. He said he’s still at karaoke and will be back soon. I said to him “You scared me. I thought what happened to you. But it’s ok, you just be careful ya, drive carefully.”
I told his mum all these as I do not want to keep all these in my heart anymore. I was concern about him but was being mistaken for otherwise. As he keeps saying that I’m controlling him without realising it. If I didn’t care or bothered about him or he’s not important to me, why would I be concern about him?
I said “Both of us are working and will have our individual stress. This is true. In addition, dealing with the new house matters (developer, lawyer and bank), getting the wedding preparation things done and serving the house loan are all in my hands. When I’m not working, I’m serving the house loan on my own luckily with the savings I had and with GOD providence, I was able to continue doing so.”
I said “Previously my salary is only out on 7th of the month. The statement from OCBC only comes within this period and most of the middle of the week. Once I get my salary I will quickly have the cash ready to make the payment. As weekends we would normally go out, and only sometimes I would ask him to drop by to the bank for me to deposit the cash into the machine but he would grumble, black face and scold me. If late payment is made, there would be penalty charges.”
I said to his mum “I’ve paid up the balance, taken the house keys, completed the checklist and completed the 1st inspection all on my own. He did not bother. I’ve been doing everything on my own and yet he says I always depend on him.”
I said “I work outside. After work, come home, I still need to do all the housework by myself.” “Once comes weekend, he wants to back to his home here quickly to sees his mum and family. I understand this as I have been through this stage before.”
I said “I just asked him to let me know in advance what day he wants to go back to his place. Whether it will be Friday night or Saturday morning? If he wants to go back on Friday night, then I’ll finish all the house chores by Thursday night. If on Saturday morning, then I’ll finish the house chores by Friday night. Is this too much to ask for?”
I said “Knowing he would want to stay at his place till late Sunday night then only head back to my home. I’m ok with this. I don’t mind.” “However, at least I could finish all the laundry especially. If not he won’t have shirts to wear for the following week. When the laundry is done before the weekend, when we go back to my place on Sunday night, the laundry will be dry and I would just need to iron his shirts for him. No worries then as things will be in order.”
I said “In life we always need to plan ahead even though knowing that plans are just plans. If we never plan, we would not know what we actually want or where we are actually heading.” “Everybody plans, but how far can our plan goes and how far our plans can succeed is a totally different story.”
His mum said “I thought he gives you money every month, I’ve asked him before; he said he gives you money every month.”
I said “No. He did not give me anything at all. However he did give me 1,000 in September, October where I told him I have no more money already to serve the house loan and this 1,000 is isn’t enough to serve the house loan.”
I was shocked to hear this. Was also surprised to hear his mum said this.
I said “When we need to collect the house keys and make the balance payment, he said to me that he doesn’t have the money. I told him I will settle the payment as I would need to write in for some discount based on some matters from the beginning of the purchase.” He doesn’t understand and knows what all about regarding of the balance payment owing to the developer, the letter which I was talking about and etc as all the while he always ask me to settle only. When I shared with him, he went doing something else and shows a not interested language.
All the while I kept all these within myself. I didn’t even tell anyone including my parents that I’m paying for the house on my own. I just wanted to cover for him and have him to look good in front of my family, his family, our friends and his friends. However, things have turned out to a way that I need to take back my dignity instead of having all the arrows continuously pointing at me. Everyone was hearing how bad I am and I don’t know how to appreciate him and me having such a bad attitude.
I added this to his mum “After we bought our house, his buddy friends asked him “Why do you buy a house for? Buy such a big house for what? Why buy so far? I said to him “You said that you wish to have your own home, then plan for marriage to settle down. You were the one who decided to buy the house, you chose the location and I only chose the house direction and paid the deposit. After what your friends said to you now you are having 2nd thoughts after committing? He kept quiet after that and said nothing much and happily went telling his others friends that we bought a house and his other friends were happy for us. When he said to his buddy friends, similar thing happened again. “Why do you want to get married? Why are you getting married for? Married because of Love or responsibility?” He said to his buddy friends “We’ve been together for 3 years, got our own home already, thought it would be time to settle down.”
I said “His buddy friends asked him to choose either love or responsibility. He chose responsibility.” “The buddy friends told him that his reason for marriage is wrong.”
Is there a true and real reason for marriage? Right now, I myself also do not know what’s the true meaning of a marriage, love and the reason for a marriage?
Life is full of trials and struggles but we have to learn to enjoy and remember the happy moments, we grow up, study hard, build our career, have a good and stable job, enjoy our growing pains, engaged, marriage, family, kids and etc. Everyone lives to get married, have kids and have their own family. Isn’t this so?
However, things were opposite when he tells his other friends that we are getting married, everyone are so happy for us. Things are so different.
I said “Why is it the things that he’s suppose to do he doesn’t do, the things which he’s not suppose to do he does it, things which he’s should not be thinking so much he goes thinking and thinking, where the things which he’s suppose to think he doesn’t go thinking about it. That’s probably why matters turned out this way.”
I said “After misunderstanding and arguments happened, he went telling his buddy friends. His buddy friends said “this type of girl you want for what, just cut off the relationship, find another one and let her be. She’s also not matured as her age, like a small little girl, doesn’t act like her age and etc.”
I said “How much do the buddy friends know me or even understand me? They only see me like 3 times a year and they could just judge me just with a snap of their fingers.” “I only see them during CNY, trips or birthday dinners. During these times do I really need to stand so firm or not? Do I really need to stand so strong in front of my boyfriend or not? Is being happy, enjoying my boyfriend by my side, a little pampered with my boyfriend a wrong?”
I said to his mum, “There was once where I was really really very angry and really lost my temper. My birthday was on Monday, as usual I would expect him to accompany me for Friday, Saturday and Sunday to spend time with me and celebrate my birthday with me. We need to work on Monday. I just got off the phone from a nasty vendor and he called telling me that he’s rushing back to his place to celebrate his gal friend birthday with her. I was really fuming mad and said “What about me? So, she’s more important than me is it?” He just kept quiet and hang up. How would I feel?” I told his mum the girl name as his mum knew them.
I said “I just wanted to have my fiancé, husband to be by my side, having his shoulder for me to cry on, to lean on or even to depend on for awhile after a hard and tough week at work. Is it too much to ask for?”
I said “He a good person, a good guy and I loved him very much. He’s a very nice person and treats me very nice. However, now he had hurt me tremendously where it is too much for me to bear and I don’t know what to do anymore. He said that he also gets scolding from doctors everyday and also have pressure and it’s not only me who faces difficulty. However, how bad and rough can doctors scold you? Will doctors scold you 4 letter words? Will doctors scold you using foul languages? I get scolding till you feel that don’t even worth a single cent.
I said “He calls another girl “lou po” right in front of me. He didn’t even call me “lou po” at all. Calls another girl baby right in front of me. The sms I saw with all the lovely dovy words baby, babe, honey, princess, darling, miss u, muacks, welcome back darling...miss u...muacks and etc was all so so tremendously hurtful. I didn’t have these words in said from him to me and not even sms like these at all. When I did approach him, he said “do we still need these types of things where we are already in marriage stage?” I love him so much and I really don’t know why he’s doing these to me.
His mum said she knows who’s the colleague that he calls “lou po”. And I told the mum I’m sorry but I cannot accept this.
His mum asked “What did he actually said to me?”
I said “Auntie, you wouldn’t want to know. It’s like having few pairs of knives stabbing into you. I won’t tell.”
I didn’t want to hurt his mum feelings. Parents will always side their own children and it doesn’t matters anymore. As I only wanted my dignity back and the house only.
His mum said “You really should sit down and talk to him about all these.”
I said “I’ve tried and he doesn’t want to.”
I said “He said he doesn’t know how to solve this problem. Therefore he chose the easy way out by just ending everything and walking out just like that.” “I’ve also asked him about the house matters, and he just answer abruptly by saying he doesn’t know.”
I said “He said he doesn’t know what will happen in the future. I also do not know what will happen in the future. Auntie, do you know what will happen in the future? No one knows what will happen in the future.” “It’s what we want our future to be, therefore we would continuously mould what we have now and work towards the future that we want.”
Along the entire conversation, my friend sat beside me watching tv and his mum also sat there with her face looking at the tv and watching it too. She only looked at me once or twice only during the whole conversation.
My answer to all these is “No.” I had a sense that the family does not know anything but only knows it’s my entire fault, attitude and my temper. Friends have also warned me that his mum will definitely side his son no matter in what circumstances. I know this for sure and I’m well prepared for all these. I’ve lost my dignity and I just wanted my dignity back. I don’t want to loose the house and I want my house back. I’ve paid up so much for the house where I can’t afford to loose 40K ++ just like that.
The morning came and I prepared myself to travel to his home to meet his mum. Knowing he’s out of the country for a holiday. I said to his mum that I came is because I would like to let her know what actually has happened.
I said “He moved in to my place as I offered my place for him as it would be nearer for him to travel to his new office. Both of us had a new job and change of living environment at the same time. Just with only 2 months period of staying together he could just say don’t want to get married anymore and want to split with me.”
I said “To him, staying at my place was a major change for him in environment. As he reaches home around 6.00pm to 6.30pm while I only reaches home earliest around 8.00pm where I would try my best to go home as early as possible to be with him, accompany him, have dinner with him, spend time with him and etc. I was trying to make him feel as comfortable as he can be.”
After he said those hurtful words to me. He added “He’s like troubling my brother, my parents, and my brother may not like him staying here and etc.” He went thinking of unnecessary things.
I said “He goes back to an empty house. If compared to his home here, he comes home to a lively home where he has parents, brothers, sisters-in-law and nephew. Lots of people, lots of noise. His home here, he comes home from work, he has you as the mum to talk to, he has dinner prepared for him and every other household matter is done for him. He doesn’t need to worry about anything.”
I said “He’s very much fortunate than me and my brother. He has parents and family here. Compared to my brother and myself, we are on our own after Form 5. When we are hungry, we look for our own food. We have to do everything on our own, example laundry, cleaning, moving, finances and etc as if we don’t do our laundry we won’t have clothes to wear.”
I said “We have a different life. Everyone has their own different lifestyle. Nobody grew up the same way.”
I said to his mum “I know I loose my temper like that is my fault and I don’t deny it. After 1 week plus of working in the new company, I came home telling him that I’m unhappy with the job, I feel very very stressful, tired, headache, difficulty in breathing and I don’t think I like these type of job with especially so many reports to do.”
Within 2 weeks in the new job my weight went down from 40kg to 35kg. I had sleepless nights and countless work worries.
I said “He scolded me “Which job is easy, not stressful, do you think is so easy to get a job now?” What he said is correct and true, however he doesn’t need to scold and shout at me right. I’m only a girl. My strength level is not as strong as guys.”
I said “I just kept quiet and continue working and continuously hinting to him about what I’ve mentioned to him earlier.”
I said “The things he said is true but he didn’t need to scold me in a loud manner right.”
I said “I don’t believe there are 2 of the same kind in the world.” “I don’t believe there’s no couple’s that would not quarrel. Be it a couple in a courting stage relationship, family or husband and wife who would not quarrel.” “If every couple who quarrels and opts for the easy way out which is to stop the relationship, those in courting stages will separate and those in marriage will divorce. No wonder divorce rate is increasing. Then why do we want to spend so much time, effort and money to a marriage.”
I said “When I first stated off with him, he doesn’t have much money. Whenever he doesn’t have I’ll give him. Whenever I see his wallet empty, I’ll quietly put in some for him. When he travels outstation and don’t have money, he’ll let me know and I’ll transfer to him immediately. Cos I’ve told him before that he must let me know when he don’t have enough as he cannot travel without any cash in hand. When he’s outstation and forgot to pay credit card, he’ll call me and I’ll quickly drive to the bank and settle the payment for him. I did not ask him back for all these as to me, when 2 of person are together the most important thing is happiness. Do not need to be calculative on these things as all these are not that important as we can slowly accommodate and plan on it.”
I said “Before, when he was working with his Indian boss, whenever he’s not happy and everyday he’ll call me to complain, voice his heart out, make noise and I’ll just listen, console him and encourage him till an extent I said to him that I think you should try looking for other jobs. Looking for a job doesn’t mean you have to change job but at least you know what’s your value and how much you’re worth outside in the market. I slowly kick him to move, I wrote his resume for him, print his resume for him, bought newspaper, look for jobs for him and send his resumes to the positions I found. Encourage him to go for the interviews, keep on encouraging him after some bad interviews and even accompany him to an interview which was successful and where he’s working now, with a much better and higher pay, better working environment and an improved job scope. But when I tried to share with him about my work issues and problems, all he did was just to scold me only. He didn’t bother to ask.”
His mum said “He did not tell them anything as he does not want the family to worry. Since young he will always settle his own things. Doesn’t need the family members to worry about him.”
I said “I’m also the same. After what has happened, I did not tell my parents anything only tills after a very long period.”
His mum said “He’s the person that can’t be controlled in whatever he wants to do or does and etc.”
I said “Auntie, I didn’t control him, wherever he wants to go, whoever that he wants to go out with, whatever that he wants to do, I would just say “OK” and would only ask him where he’s going, with who and would always remind him to be careful.”
“Whenever he wants to go out with his friends, go for his basketball games, karaoke...I would always ask him go and have fun. However, basketball games till 12am still not back yet; I would normally call him not to check on him but are concern of his safety. The safety in the country are worst compared to previous years. My girl friend brother was just sitting at Starbucks can also be robbed. The least he picks up my call and said they’ve just done with their games and are heading for a drink 1st, where hearing his voice will then put my heart at peace.”
“Going for karaoke with his colleagues, informing that he’ll be back by 10-10+pm. However, upon reaching home around 10pm and sees he’s still not back yet, I just continue working on my unfinished task from office till suddenly realizing it’s almost midnight, I began to worry as he’s still not back, no phone calls, no sms, I began calling his mobile and only on the 4th call he picks up, as at this moment I’m already worried. Upon hearing his voice my heart was at peace immediately. He said he’s still at karaoke and will be back soon. I said to him “You scared me. I thought what happened to you. But it’s ok, you just be careful ya, drive carefully.”
I told his mum all these as I do not want to keep all these in my heart anymore. I was concern about him but was being mistaken for otherwise. As he keeps saying that I’m controlling him without realising it. If I didn’t care or bothered about him or he’s not important to me, why would I be concern about him?
I said “Both of us are working and will have our individual stress. This is true. In addition, dealing with the new house matters (developer, lawyer and bank), getting the wedding preparation things done and serving the house loan are all in my hands. When I’m not working, I’m serving the house loan on my own luckily with the savings I had and with GOD providence, I was able to continue doing so.”
I said “Previously my salary is only out on 7th of the month. The statement from OCBC only comes within this period and most of the middle of the week. Once I get my salary I will quickly have the cash ready to make the payment. As weekends we would normally go out, and only sometimes I would ask him to drop by to the bank for me to deposit the cash into the machine but he would grumble, black face and scold me. If late payment is made, there would be penalty charges.”
I said to his mum “I’ve paid up the balance, taken the house keys, completed the checklist and completed the 1st inspection all on my own. He did not bother. I’ve been doing everything on my own and yet he says I always depend on him.”
I said “I work outside. After work, come home, I still need to do all the housework by myself.” “Once comes weekend, he wants to back to his home here quickly to sees his mum and family. I understand this as I have been through this stage before.”
I said “I just asked him to let me know in advance what day he wants to go back to his place. Whether it will be Friday night or Saturday morning? If he wants to go back on Friday night, then I’ll finish all the house chores by Thursday night. If on Saturday morning, then I’ll finish the house chores by Friday night. Is this too much to ask for?”
I said “Knowing he would want to stay at his place till late Sunday night then only head back to my home. I’m ok with this. I don’t mind.” “However, at least I could finish all the laundry especially. If not he won’t have shirts to wear for the following week. When the laundry is done before the weekend, when we go back to my place on Sunday night, the laundry will be dry and I would just need to iron his shirts for him. No worries then as things will be in order.”
I said “In life we always need to plan ahead even though knowing that plans are just plans. If we never plan, we would not know what we actually want or where we are actually heading.” “Everybody plans, but how far can our plan goes and how far our plans can succeed is a totally different story.”
His mum said “I thought he gives you money every month, I’ve asked him before; he said he gives you money every month.”
I said “No. He did not give me anything at all. However he did give me 1,000 in September, October where I told him I have no more money already to serve the house loan and this 1,000 is isn’t enough to serve the house loan.”
I was shocked to hear this. Was also surprised to hear his mum said this.
I said “When we need to collect the house keys and make the balance payment, he said to me that he doesn’t have the money. I told him I will settle the payment as I would need to write in for some discount based on some matters from the beginning of the purchase.” He doesn’t understand and knows what all about regarding of the balance payment owing to the developer, the letter which I was talking about and etc as all the while he always ask me to settle only. When I shared with him, he went doing something else and shows a not interested language.
All the while I kept all these within myself. I didn’t even tell anyone including my parents that I’m paying for the house on my own. I just wanted to cover for him and have him to look good in front of my family, his family, our friends and his friends. However, things have turned out to a way that I need to take back my dignity instead of having all the arrows continuously pointing at me. Everyone was hearing how bad I am and I don’t know how to appreciate him and me having such a bad attitude.
I added this to his mum “After we bought our house, his buddy friends asked him “Why do you buy a house for? Buy such a big house for what? Why buy so far? I said to him “You said that you wish to have your own home, then plan for marriage to settle down. You were the one who decided to buy the house, you chose the location and I only chose the house direction and paid the deposit. After what your friends said to you now you are having 2nd thoughts after committing? He kept quiet after that and said nothing much and happily went telling his others friends that we bought a house and his other friends were happy for us. When he said to his buddy friends, similar thing happened again. “Why do you want to get married? Why are you getting married for? Married because of Love or responsibility?” He said to his buddy friends “We’ve been together for 3 years, got our own home already, thought it would be time to settle down.”
I said “His buddy friends asked him to choose either love or responsibility. He chose responsibility.” “The buddy friends told him that his reason for marriage is wrong.”
Is there a true and real reason for marriage? Right now, I myself also do not know what’s the true meaning of a marriage, love and the reason for a marriage?
Life is full of trials and struggles but we have to learn to enjoy and remember the happy moments, we grow up, study hard, build our career, have a good and stable job, enjoy our growing pains, engaged, marriage, family, kids and etc. Everyone lives to get married, have kids and have their own family. Isn’t this so?
However, things were opposite when he tells his other friends that we are getting married, everyone are so happy for us. Things are so different.
I said “Why is it the things that he’s suppose to do he doesn’t do, the things which he’s not suppose to do he does it, things which he’s should not be thinking so much he goes thinking and thinking, where the things which he’s suppose to think he doesn’t go thinking about it. That’s probably why matters turned out this way.”
I said “After misunderstanding and arguments happened, he went telling his buddy friends. His buddy friends said “this type of girl you want for what, just cut off the relationship, find another one and let her be. She’s also not matured as her age, like a small little girl, doesn’t act like her age and etc.”
I said “How much do the buddy friends know me or even understand me? They only see me like 3 times a year and they could just judge me just with a snap of their fingers.” “I only see them during CNY, trips or birthday dinners. During these times do I really need to stand so firm or not? Do I really need to stand so strong in front of my boyfriend or not? Is being happy, enjoying my boyfriend by my side, a little pampered with my boyfriend a wrong?”
I said to his mum, “There was once where I was really really very angry and really lost my temper. My birthday was on Monday, as usual I would expect him to accompany me for Friday, Saturday and Sunday to spend time with me and celebrate my birthday with me. We need to work on Monday. I just got off the phone from a nasty vendor and he called telling me that he’s rushing back to his place to celebrate his gal friend birthday with her. I was really fuming mad and said “What about me? So, she’s more important than me is it?” He just kept quiet and hang up. How would I feel?” I told his mum the girl name as his mum knew them.
I said “I just wanted to have my fiancé, husband to be by my side, having his shoulder for me to cry on, to lean on or even to depend on for awhile after a hard and tough week at work. Is it too much to ask for?”
I said “He a good person, a good guy and I loved him very much. He’s a very nice person and treats me very nice. However, now he had hurt me tremendously where it is too much for me to bear and I don’t know what to do anymore. He said that he also gets scolding from doctors everyday and also have pressure and it’s not only me who faces difficulty. However, how bad and rough can doctors scold you? Will doctors scold you 4 letter words? Will doctors scold you using foul languages? I get scolding till you feel that don’t even worth a single cent.
I said “He calls another girl “lou po” right in front of me. He didn’t even call me “lou po” at all. Calls another girl baby right in front of me. The sms I saw with all the lovely dovy words baby, babe, honey, princess, darling, miss u, muacks, welcome back darling...miss u...muacks and etc was all so so tremendously hurtful. I didn’t have these words in said from him to me and not even sms like these at all. When I did approach him, he said “do we still need these types of things where we are already in marriage stage?” I love him so much and I really don’t know why he’s doing these to me.
His mum said she knows who’s the colleague that he calls “lou po”. And I told the mum I’m sorry but I cannot accept this.
His mum asked “What did he actually said to me?”
I said “Auntie, you wouldn’t want to know. It’s like having few pairs of knives stabbing into you. I won’t tell.”
I didn’t want to hurt his mum feelings. Parents will always side their own children and it doesn’t matters anymore. As I only wanted my dignity back and the house only.
His mum said “You really should sit down and talk to him about all these.”
I said “I’ve tried and he doesn’t want to.”
I said “He said he doesn’t know how to solve this problem. Therefore he chose the easy way out by just ending everything and walking out just like that.” “I’ve also asked him about the house matters, and he just answer abruptly by saying he doesn’t know.”
I said “He said he doesn’t know what will happen in the future. I also do not know what will happen in the future. Auntie, do you know what will happen in the future? No one knows what will happen in the future.” “It’s what we want our future to be, therefore we would continuously mould what we have now and work towards the future that we want.”
Along the entire conversation, my friend sat beside me watching tv and his mum also sat there with her face looking at the tv and watching it too. She only looked at me once or twice only during the whole conversation.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Why are you doing this to me?
Why do you hurt me?
Can’t you see through my eyes?
That I love you
Your emotions so cold
And so bold towards me
All I do is love you
And you mistreat me like this
Why do I take your dis?
While you never take my dis
I try to get close to you
Why push me away?
****
My heart sways back and forth
Not knowing if your love for me is true
I've asked you before
But you've never once said "I love you"
Maybe you don’t value my worth
And its time for me to leave
Not to look back and wonder
The What if’s…
****
I’ve done my time and grieved
You’re nothing more than a stranger
A mere soul consumed by your anger
My tears roll down my face
Thinking of the time
That will never be replaced
Your touch, your face, your voice
To much for me to bear
Because you’ve made it clear
That you just don’t care
Monday, December 1, 2008
thank you!!
I appreciate and am grateful for my family & friends, who stood by me; encouraging me in their own ways. Having most of them who do not know what I am going through or have been through, continuosly they will just sincerely extend their hands of genuine friendship, their shoulders which are ready for me to cry on at anytime and their phones which are 24 hrs in service.
life's tough - but because of them, my will to persevere & to hang on becomes stronger.
life's tough - but because of them, my will to persevere & to hang on becomes stronger.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
trust
how do u know u can really trust someone enough to give him/her your heart? can it be measured & quantified? or is it just a gamble, a risk one has gotta take???
Monday, November 10, 2008
Just Love..
When you love something enough, it will reveal its secrets to you. Have you ever love something deeply? some of us have and i'm sure for the things that you love many do not know about how wonderful it is...only you know about it becuase the secret was only reviewed to you :) as you go deeper and deeper....
So just love..
The measure of a man's heart is not how much his faith is, but is how much his love is. Man, as in human beings, may lack faith but even we have all faith, all wisdom, all knowledge and not love... We have nothing.
So just love..
So just love..
The measure of a man's heart is not how much his faith is, but is how much his love is. Man, as in human beings, may lack faith but even we have all faith, all wisdom, all knowledge and not love... We have nothing.
So just love..
Saturday, November 8, 2008
why??
I do not know why GOD is doing this to me? I kept asking GOD why, why and why? But I've yet to find any answers. I was angry at GOD too as why is he doing this to me, why is he putting me through all these trials that so difficult to bear?
I couldn't sleep the whole night again and I just lay awake till the sun rises up again. Only my closest friends knows part of my story as i have still kept lots of things deep within my heart. Thoughts began wondering in my mind again and again. What have happened? Why a loving & lovely couple like us could end up as such? The word "miss" & "love" is too heavy for me bear that it's enough to suffocate me. I need some breathing space but i myself doesn't allow it as i have over estimate my feelings for my Dear Dear. I know saying to let go is always there but to overcome the feeling of love inside my heart for him is so difficult.
I couldn't sleep the whole night again and I just lay awake till the sun rises up again. Only my closest friends knows part of my story as i have still kept lots of things deep within my heart. Thoughts began wondering in my mind again and again. What have happened? Why a loving & lovely couple like us could end up as such? The word "miss" & "love" is too heavy for me bear that it's enough to suffocate me. I need some breathing space but i myself doesn't allow it as i have over estimate my feelings for my Dear Dear. I know saying to let go is always there but to overcome the feeling of love inside my heart for him is so difficult.
08-11-2008...
Dear Dear today is the day that we suppose to be getting married. Dear Dear on my birhtday last year you propose to me and i was very happy as we can finally spend more time together.
However, Dear Dear you said to me you want to patch back things together, but today you went to attending a friend wedding happily and left me alone at my home. Do you know how lonely and sad i was? Do you know how much i have been crying? I just felf that you didn't care about me anymore as I am just your past and this history doesn't value and mean to you anymore.
However, Dear Dear you said to me you want to patch back things together, but today you went to attending a friend wedding happily and left me alone at my home. Do you know how lonely and sad i was? Do you know how much i have been crying? I just felf that you didn't care about me anymore as I am just your past and this history doesn't value and mean to you anymore.
november 11, 2008
today is the day of us walking down the aisle and meeting at the altar to exchange our vows - after being engaged for more than a year, everyone attire's has been selected, made and bought, venues, caterers and photographers has been reserved and paid, relatives and friends have been informed and invited.
it was suppose to be a happy and joyous occassion, a blissful moment, a celebration of love, a fairytale story, a new prince and princess, a new star shining, a new journey...but that's all history.
someday... u will cry for me, like i cried for u. someday... u will miss me, like i missed u. someday... u will need me, like i needed u. someday... u will love me, like i loved u.
so, you may go on with all your pride and ego - just give me back my dignity. if you think that your best buddies friends knows you best, to you your best buddies are much more important than me, where they come 1st before me, you may go ahead.
my dear dear, i will remember what you said to me "...that my heart is no longer with you, and that i don't love you anymore..."
proposing to me last year on my birthday but hurting me and saying this to me 1 year later, a day after my birthday, 3 months before our wedding, you've really crushed my heart totally.
it was suppose to be a happy and joyous occassion, a blissful moment, a celebration of love, a fairytale story, a new prince and princess, a new star shining, a new journey...but that's all history.
someday... u will cry for me, like i cried for u. someday... u will miss me, like i missed u. someday... u will need me, like i needed u. someday... u will love me, like i loved u.
so, you may go on with all your pride and ego - just give me back my dignity. if you think that your best buddies friends knows you best, to you your best buddies are much more important than me, where they come 1st before me, you may go ahead.
my dear dear, i will remember what you said to me "...that my heart is no longer with you, and that i don't love you anymore..."
proposing to me last year on my birthday but hurting me and saying this to me 1 year later, a day after my birthday, 3 months before our wedding, you've really crushed my heart totally.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti
I stumbled upon it in a magazine couple of days ago...while i was in a bookshop
Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti
Just as waffles comes in boxes, men compartmentalise their thoughts and process life, one issue at a time.
Women, however, envision life to be more like a plate of noodless - every issue is linked to other issues.
Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti
Just as waffles comes in boxes, men compartmentalise their thoughts and process life, one issue at a time.
Women, however, envision life to be more like a plate of noodless - every issue is linked to other issues.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
quotes of quotes
Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.
- John Lenon
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
- Mother Theresa
To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
- Lao -Tzu
The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self-two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation.
- Pope John Paul II
Monday, October 13, 2008
he made me love him
To love a person is always easy but to make a person loves you takes double the effort. My dear dear manage to make me love him wholeheartedly but is merely just the beginning of what he plans on leaving me behind. It’s really painful for me as I’ve never really love a person that deep before and I really don't know how to let him go. Although I’ve acted tough but I know I would still care about him very very very much. He said I’ve put frustrations into him but he has stab right through my heart with a dunno what....
Friday, October 10, 2008
different path...different choices
To be honest my dear dear, you’ve said earlier that the faults are all mine to bear of putting us through all these. We were both going through our trials and hurdles which if we were to take it positively we would be able to pass it triumphantly. I was put into great trials in my job where it was extremely tough for me to fulfill everything alone which used to be using 3 headcounts, getting scolding and shouting everyday with bad and hurtful words. I continued to persevere on giving myself another month of so to see how it goes, whether this would be the right job for me or not as I also know that I needed the income to pay for our housing loan and wedding. I was already bearing the finances of our house and wedding and yet I did not mutter a single word regarding this. I continued my trials and hurdles even thou I decided to leave the job and company in September but I left with great joy and happiness. I knew in my heart that this is not a job that I would want when I to have a family of my own working from early in the morning till late nights. Many were proud of me that I could sustain for quite long and learn up so quickly on both the products. I knew I’ve learned something from it but just don’t know what it is yet at that moment. It was also a trial for me when you moved into my place, day by day I was learning to accept you for who you are, your habits and practices and continuously telling myself that I’m going to marry him in 3 months time therefore it’s good practice to begin learning and understand every bits and pieces of him.
Unknowingly you were also brought into a similar trial too of different expectations and job scope in your new job and your finances too. You’ve said that you also get scolding from doctors and you also have your own work issues, this I won’t deny but how bad and rough can doctors scold or shout at you? On our relationship, to you it was all about the recent breaking points and all about my temper, my temper and my temper. The way you did it was so scary that I am completely out from your mind and thoughts and that I didn’t even exist. Our love of 3 years can be just cut off like a string upon what your best buddies say about me who don’t really know me where they only see me for about 3 times a year and to you they are more important than me so you may go ahead. You decided to choose and listen to your best buddies instead of me the girl whom you propose to, to be your wife.
Dear Dear love is not about all or what I can do to make you come back to me but it’s yours on how you evaluate our love and relationship. Our love of 3 years is the only relationship which I wish to ends well in a good marriage, grow old together, and build our own family and a home of our dreams while at that time our actual home was building after your proposal last year on my birthday. All these dreams of mine to be with you always was getting closer and closer but things that I’ve never imagine that will happen happened. You asked for a break up as you just don’t like my temper anymore.
I really wish I could hate you for what you did to me...the hurt and depression you have put me through but I failed terribly as even till today I still cry over this relationship of ours. Life will goes on as it doesn't matters now as you had chosen your own path and if I continue to be like what I am today till I die, I will accept it as GOD’s destiny for me.
"Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "PERFECT PERSON"
It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be"
I am happy and proud as I did my part to be there for you when you needed me to listen, help and encourage you to become a person of who you are today and to begin a new career of what you wanted and have today but the sad part is I am already out of your life and becomes a nobody to you. I’ve given everything that I could to you but asking of nothing in return only your sincerity and to love me till we are both old and grey.
Unknowingly you were also brought into a similar trial too of different expectations and job scope in your new job and your finances too. You’ve said that you also get scolding from doctors and you also have your own work issues, this I won’t deny but how bad and rough can doctors scold or shout at you? On our relationship, to you it was all about the recent breaking points and all about my temper, my temper and my temper. The way you did it was so scary that I am completely out from your mind and thoughts and that I didn’t even exist. Our love of 3 years can be just cut off like a string upon what your best buddies say about me who don’t really know me where they only see me for about 3 times a year and to you they are more important than me so you may go ahead. You decided to choose and listen to your best buddies instead of me the girl whom you propose to, to be your wife.
Dear Dear love is not about all or what I can do to make you come back to me but it’s yours on how you evaluate our love and relationship. Our love of 3 years is the only relationship which I wish to ends well in a good marriage, grow old together, and build our own family and a home of our dreams while at that time our actual home was building after your proposal last year on my birthday. All these dreams of mine to be with you always was getting closer and closer but things that I’ve never imagine that will happen happened. You asked for a break up as you just don’t like my temper anymore.
I really wish I could hate you for what you did to me...the hurt and depression you have put me through but I failed terribly as even till today I still cry over this relationship of ours. Life will goes on as it doesn't matters now as you had chosen your own path and if I continue to be like what I am today till I die, I will accept it as GOD’s destiny for me.
"Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "PERFECT PERSON"
It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be"
I am happy and proud as I did my part to be there for you when you needed me to listen, help and encourage you to become a person of who you are today and to begin a new career of what you wanted and have today but the sad part is I am already out of your life and becomes a nobody to you. I’ve given everything that I could to you but asking of nothing in return only your sincerity and to love me till we are both old and grey.
Monday, October 6, 2008
What is a promise when we don't keep it
Every time i look in the mirror i will see the deep scar on my forehead. The scar which was left behind caused by a terrible fall at a friend's condo due to rushing for my Dear Dear's parents air ticket confirmation from MATA fair promo to London. These memories will always be there and would never ever ceased.
I still remember very clearly how my Dear Dear have promised that he'll never ever leave me after me having such a bad scar on my forehead. He made a promised to me again the day when i removed my bandage and went for a head x-ray as I was constantly experiencing head pain and vomiting symptoms.
I still remember that we've promised to each other before that we will not leave each other no matter what happened and only death can do us apart. This is what we said to each other and i still remember it till now as i really know what these words truly meant. However to my dear all these words doesn't mean anything. My Dear Dear had left a huge scar on me for him to say all this and leave me just like that.
I won't be celebrating any of my birthdays anymore as last year on my birthday he proposed but this year a day after my birthday he said those hurtful words to me. It will be a scary thing to celebrate anything anymore.
Many a times when he had promised to take me somewhere or even to movies where tickets have been booked, plans would end up in a different manner. My Dear Dear can come telling me that he've booked movie tickets and come less than 5 minutes, a phone call comes asking for basketball game he will look and stare at me with his glowing eyes and i would just automatically say "It's ok. We don't go for movie. We go for your basketball game." and he will just reply his friend "OK. Deal." Whatever that he came promising me had gone behind the curtains hidden and nowhere to be found.
Promises is always a promise that needs to be kept. But fulfilling a promise is just a very subjective matter to how each individual treats or look at it. To me, whenever i've made a promised to my Dear Dear or anyone i will make sure i'll fulfill it as it will not be a promise otherwise.
I still remember very clearly how my Dear Dear have promised that he'll never ever leave me after me having such a bad scar on my forehead. He made a promised to me again the day when i removed my bandage and went for a head x-ray as I was constantly experiencing head pain and vomiting symptoms.
I still remember that we've promised to each other before that we will not leave each other no matter what happened and only death can do us apart. This is what we said to each other and i still remember it till now as i really know what these words truly meant. However to my dear all these words doesn't mean anything. My Dear Dear had left a huge scar on me for him to say all this and leave me just like that.
I won't be celebrating any of my birthdays anymore as last year on my birthday he proposed but this year a day after my birthday he said those hurtful words to me. It will be a scary thing to celebrate anything anymore.
Many a times when he had promised to take me somewhere or even to movies where tickets have been booked, plans would end up in a different manner. My Dear Dear can come telling me that he've booked movie tickets and come less than 5 minutes, a phone call comes asking for basketball game he will look and stare at me with his glowing eyes and i would just automatically say "It's ok. We don't go for movie. We go for your basketball game." and he will just reply his friend "OK. Deal." Whatever that he came promising me had gone behind the curtains hidden and nowhere to be found.
Promises is always a promise that needs to be kept. But fulfilling a promise is just a very subjective matter to how each individual treats or look at it. To me, whenever i've made a promised to my Dear Dear or anyone i will make sure i'll fulfill it as it will not be a promise otherwise.
Friday, October 3, 2008
truths about love
Don't be too good I will miss you.
Don't be too caring, I might like you.
Don't be too sweet, I might fall for you.
It's hard for me to love you when you won't love me after all...
Bottomline: A person who makes me loves him/her is actually a person who loves me more than I love him/her.
If someone comes into your life and becomes a part of you but for some reasons he couldn't stay, don't cry too much...just be glad that your paths crossed and somehow he made you happy even for a while.
Bottomline: Time will tell, If he's yours he will come back.
Two tear drops were floating down the river. One teardrop said to the other, "I'm the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. Who are you?""I'm the teardrop of the man who regret letting a girl go..."
Bottomline: Nobody will sympathise a person who constantly let chances passes by without making any efforts to salvage. We normally don't realise how important our loved and closed ones are until they left us, we'll start to reminisce which results in misery.
Love can make you happy although often times it hurts. But love is only special if you give it to which it's worth.
Bottomline: If you found someone who truly appreciates you, He/she deserves more of your love.
What if someone tells you this: I don't believe in courtship. It's just a waste of time. If I love the person, I'll tell her right away. But for you I will make an exception... just love me now and I'll court you forever...
Bottomline: Love needs time to realise, there might be love at first sight but it takes time to let one gradually discover their affection towards another, miss him/her when he/she is not around, hope to hear from he/she when the person has not written or called.
It's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than never found love because you were too afraid of the challenge.
Bottomline: Don't give up if you face or think that you have competitors. It's always better to try, if you succeed, the reward is more than you can expect. But if you don't try or don't summon up the courage, you might lose the one you like/love forever...
The greatest challenge in our life is to find someone who knows our flaws and differences and yet still willingly embraces you with so much love.
Bottomline: Love is a means of self giving and self sacrificsing, if he/she knows your flaws and is still willing to accept you, continue to like/love you as you are or even more, boy, you are lucky! This person truly deserves your love and affection.
The spaces between our fingers were created so that another person's fingers could fill them in.
Bottomline: Open your heart, let people love you, never doubt their intentions, sincerity can be felt by the heart.
When you love, it is not for you to be understood but for you To understand; not for you to take but for you to be taken; to listen not to dictate; to sacrifice and not to demand; not to count or measure but to love.
Don't be too caring, I might like you.
Don't be too sweet, I might fall for you.
It's hard for me to love you when you won't love me after all...
Bottomline: A person who makes me loves him/her is actually a person who loves me more than I love him/her.
If someone comes into your life and becomes a part of you but for some reasons he couldn't stay, don't cry too much...just be glad that your paths crossed and somehow he made you happy even for a while.
Bottomline: Time will tell, If he's yours he will come back.
Two tear drops were floating down the river. One teardrop said to the other, "I'm the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. Who are you?""I'm the teardrop of the man who regret letting a girl go..."
Bottomline: Nobody will sympathise a person who constantly let chances passes by without making any efforts to salvage. We normally don't realise how important our loved and closed ones are until they left us, we'll start to reminisce which results in misery.
Love can make you happy although often times it hurts. But love is only special if you give it to which it's worth.
Bottomline: If you found someone who truly appreciates you, He/she deserves more of your love.
What if someone tells you this: I don't believe in courtship. It's just a waste of time. If I love the person, I'll tell her right away. But for you I will make an exception... just love me now and I'll court you forever...
Bottomline: Love needs time to realise, there might be love at first sight but it takes time to let one gradually discover their affection towards another, miss him/her when he/she is not around, hope to hear from he/she when the person has not written or called.
It's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than never found love because you were too afraid of the challenge.
Bottomline: Don't give up if you face or think that you have competitors. It's always better to try, if you succeed, the reward is more than you can expect. But if you don't try or don't summon up the courage, you might lose the one you like/love forever...
The greatest challenge in our life is to find someone who knows our flaws and differences and yet still willingly embraces you with so much love.
Bottomline: Love is a means of self giving and self sacrificsing, if he/she knows your flaws and is still willing to accept you, continue to like/love you as you are or even more, boy, you are lucky! This person truly deserves your love and affection.
The spaces between our fingers were created so that another person's fingers could fill them in.
Bottomline: Open your heart, let people love you, never doubt their intentions, sincerity can be felt by the heart.
When you love, it is not for you to be understood but for you To understand; not for you to take but for you to be taken; to listen not to dictate; to sacrifice and not to demand; not to count or measure but to love.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
the dark storm
After all the whirlwind of events that I've gone and continue going through. I was continuously left alone to handle, settle and cancel all the wedding preparations which has been made.
I began my list by calling up my wedding gown and evening gown lady as I need to cancel my wedding gown rental and hope to see how I could settle things as I tailor-made my evening gown. As the photographer which we have booked were somehow managed by them too, I asked her to discuss with the photographer as well as I've told her my story. The restaurant cancellation was the most difficult task where I also got scolding from them and need to write in too but still couldn't get anything back. Videographer, makeup artist, canopy, caterers, hotels, church ceremony and reception cancellation was rather easy. All cancellations were done at last with most of the deposits being forfeited. I just hope i did not leave anything unattended.
I began my list by calling up my wedding gown and evening gown lady as I need to cancel my wedding gown rental and hope to see how I could settle things as I tailor-made my evening gown. As the photographer which we have booked were somehow managed by them too, I asked her to discuss with the photographer as well as I've told her my story. The restaurant cancellation was the most difficult task where I also got scolding from them and need to write in too but still couldn't get anything back. Videographer, makeup artist, canopy, caterers, hotels, church ceremony and reception cancellation was rather easy. All cancellations were done at last with most of the deposits being forfeited. I just hope i did not leave anything unattended.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Money or Family
Is money more important or is it family more important?
I have been pondering on this for just couple of hours and I've yet to find out the true and actual answer for the above.
My fiancé said to me yesterday that money is more important than family. As when you have no money, how could you be able to sustain a family.
I just felt some what not so right in what he said.
is money really so much more important than family?
isn't it that family and loved ones comes 1st in everything?
if money is so important, are we then living in this temporary world just to be rich in cash?
are our goals in life, is to be rich in cash or to be rich with love?
money can buy us many great materialistic things, but money can't buy us love, happiness, family...
when we leave this world what would we be able to take away with us? is it our great belongings or would it be our love and happiness that we have collected all the days of our life?
I have been pondering on this for just couple of hours and I've yet to find out the true and actual answer for the above.
My fiancé said to me yesterday that money is more important than family. As when you have no money, how could you be able to sustain a family.
I just felt some what not so right in what he said.
is money really so much more important than family?
isn't it that family and loved ones comes 1st in everything?
if money is so important, are we then living in this temporary world just to be rich in cash?
are our goals in life, is to be rich in cash or to be rich with love?
money can buy us many great materialistic things, but money can't buy us love, happiness, family...
when we leave this world what would we be able to take away with us? is it our great belongings or would it be our love and happiness that we have collected all the days of our life?
Monday, September 8, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
i know
Dear Dear i know love can't be force and i shall not force you to love me but i will wait for your return back with me to continue our journey of life together. Dear Dear without you in my life i felt so empty and souless as you have filled up every corner of my life with colours and love for the past years.
…his things
Today I’ve decided to pack and return all his clothes and things that he had kept at my place before and after he moved in with me. It was only now that I realized the amount of things he has at my place. The whole car boot and back seat was full with his things. I just went to his place early in the morning. My brother accompanied me.
His mum opened the door for me. I said to his mum that I’m here to collect back my things and return his things and there’s was a shock look on his mum face. His mum opened his room door and woke him up even after I said there’s no need. He woke up surprise and said he has been thinking whole night and was thinking probably he has been doing things the wrong way and wants to patch things back. He even asked me not to take away my things. We had a long talk in his room but things were still hanging.
I did return all his things back to him that I've brought along in the car with me.
His mum opened the door for me. I said to his mum that I’m here to collect back my things and return his things and there’s was a shock look on his mum face. His mum opened his room door and woke him up even after I said there’s no need. He woke up surprise and said he has been thinking whole night and was thinking probably he has been doing things the wrong way and wants to patch things back. He even asked me not to take away my things. We had a long talk in his room but things were still hanging.
I did return all his things back to him that I've brought along in the car with me.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Rainy Days
Rainy days are back again and how I wish I could give my dear dear a call to drive carefully and slowly as he’s always on the road, highways and outstation. Everthing about him that I cared about still lingers in me although knowing that no matter what I do, he will never come back by myside. Sometimes I just wish I could pick up the phone and call him and chat with him just for a moment as we used to do but I just know he wouldn’t pick up my calls anymore. Dear Dear I really really miss you a lot...Dear Dear where are you…what are you doin…
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Happiest Moments with My Dear Dear
The happiest moments with my Dear Dear was when we shared everything together and most importantly was when we talked about our house - the furniture, fittings and decorations and also about our wedding preparations. All that we had mention on how we want our house to be, how we are going to decorate it is still very fresh in my mind and I will proceed to decorate the house according to what we had planned.
This house is actually bought because you wanted to have your own house first then only plan for marriage as our home is where our love is and to build our own family here. The house is finally completed and keys are ready to be hand over by the developer. Although it’s very very painful to see how this house was suppose to be initially but now it would be an empty house all I could pray is that GOD will continue to grant me perseverance. I didn’t mind to be the one that was serving the house interest and loan, waiting for my salary and ensuring the payments are made on time to avoid penalty and interest charges.
About our wedding planning and preparations even though you left me to decide and finalise all the important details on my own from our attire’s, invitation cards, itinerary for the day, guest sitting arrangements, food tasting and etc as you have ask me to decide and settle everything. Even thou little did we’ve discussed about the invitation list and the things that we wish to do for our own wedding, details into who we like to invite, the liquor to be used, who's car to be used, wedding dresses and gowns to wear, photos, photos album, our accommodations, and finally the wedding day preparations, I was still trying and doing my best in everything I could. To have everything in my small little hands was quite heavy to bear where I did come approaching you for some help but just you threw everything back into my small little hands. I was even thinking of designing and doing our own guestbook so that we can let our guests know how a lovely couple we are and how perfect is our wedding. This will the happiest moment in my life although it doesn't comes true but the sweet and lovely thoughts we had when we talked about it will always be part of me. Dear Dear, is a perfect wedding for a girl too much to ask for? I just wanted to be the happiest bride that all girls would wish to be, having a almost perfect and fairytale wedding but all these is gone the day you decided to leave me.
Dear Dear I can't forget how we love each other and how we supported each other these years similar way of how you only remembered about my temper while I was unhappy, having a tough time and stressed at my new job not wanting to continue on with it while I even shared my feelings with you. I choose to forget all the unhappy things cos I just wish to keep only the happiest moments of our lives in order for us to treasure each other like nothing else in the world could replace the things that we hold but you’ve let it to be replaced by another girl in your heart. Each person have a softer side of their own and when everything in the world fails there will be only place that you could find that would never fail you is my heart. Dear Dear my heart has always been there for you to create a shelter, protection and love you as all these is what I only wish to do for the rest of my life. Dear Dear no love would fail if you believe it is real and it is there. This is the wordings you’ve said to me from the 1st day you was with me from your very own point of view in love. Dear Dear you’ve taught me how to love a person truly where I wish to only love one person in my life, you made me love you so much, willing to sacrifice so much more for you and makes me realise that you’ve become a very important part of my life.
This house is actually bought because you wanted to have your own house first then only plan for marriage as our home is where our love is and to build our own family here. The house is finally completed and keys are ready to be hand over by the developer. Although it’s very very painful to see how this house was suppose to be initially but now it would be an empty house all I could pray is that GOD will continue to grant me perseverance. I didn’t mind to be the one that was serving the house interest and loan, waiting for my salary and ensuring the payments are made on time to avoid penalty and interest charges.
About our wedding planning and preparations even though you left me to decide and finalise all the important details on my own from our attire’s, invitation cards, itinerary for the day, guest sitting arrangements, food tasting and etc as you have ask me to decide and settle everything. Even thou little did we’ve discussed about the invitation list and the things that we wish to do for our own wedding, details into who we like to invite, the liquor to be used, who's car to be used, wedding dresses and gowns to wear, photos, photos album, our accommodations, and finally the wedding day preparations, I was still trying and doing my best in everything I could. To have everything in my small little hands was quite heavy to bear where I did come approaching you for some help but just you threw everything back into my small little hands. I was even thinking of designing and doing our own guestbook so that we can let our guests know how a lovely couple we are and how perfect is our wedding. This will the happiest moment in my life although it doesn't comes true but the sweet and lovely thoughts we had when we talked about it will always be part of me. Dear Dear, is a perfect wedding for a girl too much to ask for? I just wanted to be the happiest bride that all girls would wish to be, having a almost perfect and fairytale wedding but all these is gone the day you decided to leave me.
Dear Dear I can't forget how we love each other and how we supported each other these years similar way of how you only remembered about my temper while I was unhappy, having a tough time and stressed at my new job not wanting to continue on with it while I even shared my feelings with you. I choose to forget all the unhappy things cos I just wish to keep only the happiest moments of our lives in order for us to treasure each other like nothing else in the world could replace the things that we hold but you’ve let it to be replaced by another girl in your heart. Each person have a softer side of their own and when everything in the world fails there will be only place that you could find that would never fail you is my heart. Dear Dear my heart has always been there for you to create a shelter, protection and love you as all these is what I only wish to do for the rest of my life. Dear Dear no love would fail if you believe it is real and it is there. This is the wordings you’ve said to me from the 1st day you was with me from your very own point of view in love. Dear Dear you’ve taught me how to love a person truly where I wish to only love one person in my life, you made me love you so much, willing to sacrifice so much more for you and makes me realise that you’ve become a very important part of my life.
Monday, September 1, 2008
...live...life...
Live your life to the full, take every opportunity that arises because you'll have plenty of time to sleep when you are dead.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
quote of the day
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.
You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
something to ponder
When it seems you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
- BINGO!- but how long can or should one hang on? & how strong can the knot be? ... & if my hands are tired, my fingers are growing numb - how not to let go????
- BINGO!- but how long can or should one hang on? & how strong can the knot be? ... & if my hands are tired, my fingers are growing numb - how not to let go????
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Never Say
Never say I Love You,
if you don't realy care.
Never talk about feelings
if they aren't really there...
Never hold my hand
if you are going to breake my heart...
Never say you're going to
if you don't plan to start...
Never look into my eyes
if all you do is a lie...
Never say hello
if you really mean good bye...
If you really mean forever
than say you'll try...
Never say forever.
Cause forever makes me cry...
if you don't realy care.
Never talk about feelings
if they aren't really there...
Never hold my hand
if you are going to breake my heart...
Never say you're going to
if you don't plan to start...
Never look into my eyes
if all you do is a lie...
Never say hello
if you really mean good bye...
If you really mean forever
than say you'll try...
Never say forever.
Cause forever makes me cry...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Its all coming back to me
Dear Dear your concern and care is all gone although I know how much I still love you and knowing this will not change the fact that you’ve already gone. The more I remember about all these things the more painful I am. No matter how hard I try not to remember at all it still comes running back to me like it just happened yesterday. Dear Dear you’ve made me hate to love anyone anymore as when I love someone, I will love and care for the person for who the person is wholeheartedly and this is the end results where I’ve put myself into deep pain and depression. Dear Dear you are just too selfish this time as you choose to walk away just because of some tough times and trials that we’re going thru. Who wouldn’t go through tough times? It’s how you go through these tough times and how you come out from it that matters most. Dear Dear love is not about giving up on a person but it’s about love, care, concern, understanding, tenderness, and more importantly never ever give up on that person.
Dear Dear you’ve put me through hell, you threw away all our happiness, destroyed our future and turn it into hatred. How I wish I really can do just like others who are in similar situation like me to hate you, curse you and so on .... but deep inside I know this is also part of me being the one that started all this and allow you to give yourself a reason to leave me. Dear Dear love is really so meaningful to me and just like I promised to myself that I will have to wake up and leave this fantasy world someday.
My only Dear Dear love and relationship is never a thing that I was good at and you know about it clearly and this has created a big impact to my life. Dear Dear remembers this I loved you at all times from the bottom of my heart.
Dear Dear you’ve put me through hell, you threw away all our happiness, destroyed our future and turn it into hatred. How I wish I really can do just like others who are in similar situation like me to hate you, curse you and so on .... but deep inside I know this is also part of me being the one that started all this and allow you to give yourself a reason to leave me. Dear Dear love is really so meaningful to me and just like I promised to myself that I will have to wake up and leave this fantasy world someday.
My only Dear Dear love and relationship is never a thing that I was good at and you know about it clearly and this has created a big impact to my life. Dear Dear remembers this I loved you at all times from the bottom of my heart.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
something i found
The couple that fights the most is the one most in love... it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring.
- Shawna Waltemyer
Friday, August 1, 2008
quotes
"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
-- Erich Fromm
"Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."
"Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."
--John Keats
"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."
"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
can we start again? can we... will you?
it’s so hard to express what's on my mind, what's in my heart...
only wish u'd understand. only wish u'd remember. remember how we used to be. have u forgotten? can we start again? can we ... will you?
only wish u'd understand. only wish u'd remember. remember how we used to be. have u forgotten? can we start again? can we ... will you?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus....
since that day, i've been crying everyday till my eyes are all red and swollen and i still carried on going to work, getting my job done and attending to meetings just as i am. i didn't really bothered how my eyes look. i had sleepless nights and have not been eating since then. every night i will just cry in bed till i'm left with no more tears and tired.
he just left and did not return to my place anymore. the day he left i sadly pack his clothes for him while he sits on his bed watching tv. no calls, no visits from him since that day. he no longer cared. i was left all alone. i had no one to turn to at that time and only till one fine day i only seek comfort from 2 friends who knows both of us.
i continued crying and crying and suffered all alone till i've lost track of time. my life, my happiness, my dreams has all suddenly went downstream.
he just left and did not return to my place anymore. the day he left i sadly pack his clothes for him while he sits on his bed watching tv. no calls, no visits from him since that day. he no longer cared. i was left all alone. i had no one to turn to at that time and only till one fine day i only seek comfort from 2 friends who knows both of us.
i continued crying and crying and suffered all alone till i've lost track of time. my life, my happiness, my dreams has all suddenly went downstream.
heart crushed
I can't remember the day i found the lovely dovy messages in my Dear Dear's mobile phone. However, I could clearly recall the words and some sentences...baby, babe, honey, princess, darling, miss u, muacks, welcome back darling...miss u...muacks, will see you tomorrow in office, calling another person "lou po" (means wife)...and etc.
At last I confronted him one day and he said that this is how they use to communicate in his new office. I then asked him how come I don't and never receive these kind of sms, he said that do we still and actually need all these type of things at our stage. I was totally out of words.
At last I confronted him one day and he said that this is how they use to communicate in his new office. I then asked him how come I don't and never receive these kind of sms, he said that do we still and actually need all these type of things at our stage. I was totally out of words.
Monday, July 28, 2008
'Mary Says' is an old song by Wang Lee Hom. I have been searching for the lyrics for a long time... finally...
Mary Says
How long has it been since i held you near?
How long will it be till i have you right here?
You say that hurts i can't disagree
But how can i hold on to someone who's leaving me?
And Mary says she's gonna be ok
She tells me things are getting busier these days
(She tells me things will be much easier someday)
And Mary says she's gonna be alright
You know how much i miss her in my life
(You know how much i'm missing her deep inside)
Goodbye yesterday i see my dreams walking away
And Mary looks just like she did before
Except she don’t, she don’t love me anymore
I could shake your hand or I could kiss you goodbyes
But i just might break down looking in you brown eyes
So what happens next
Do i listen to my mind or heart?
I don't know where to start feeling again...
Mary Says
How long has it been since i held you near?
How long will it be till i have you right here?
You say that hurts i can't disagree
But how can i hold on to someone who's leaving me?
And Mary says she's gonna be ok
She tells me things are getting busier these days
(She tells me things will be much easier someday)
And Mary says she's gonna be alright
You know how much i miss her in my life
(You know how much i'm missing her deep inside)
Goodbye yesterday i see my dreams walking away
And Mary looks just like she did before
Except she don’t, she don’t love me anymore
I could shake your hand or I could kiss you goodbyes
But i just might break down looking in you brown eyes
So what happens next
Do i listen to my mind or heart?
I don't know where to start feeling again...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
the story book of our photos
I’ve made an album filled with both our photos from the 1st day onwards. The album also has the movie tickets as well as concert tickets which we have been together. All the diamond moments that we shared have always been special to me and I would like to put all the smiles that we share into our life story book which I thought it would be a never ending fairy tale story book that we would be able to cherish it forever. Every loving couple would have a bad chapter of their own but they would be able to open a brand new happy chapter together. As for me, the chapter ended and the book was closed so fast till it had me going nowhere.
It’s painful to continue loving him whom doesn’t bother or care about me anymore and my heart still longs for him.
It’s painful to continue loving him whom doesn’t bother or care about me anymore and my heart still longs for him.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Girl
When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention
When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it
When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future
When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that.
Millions of things are running in her mind
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention
When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it
When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future
When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that.
I love you with all i am
The feeling inside is nothing but an icy cold
for the wishes and hopes that i so stupidly hold
soon they will be burned;
there will be a lesson learned
but that time hasnt come yet
and im still only trying to forget.
That when my heart goes weak
it is only you i seek
i wish it was all for me
i wish i was the only one you see
but with that single wish all hope falls
and no longer shall i stand upon my empire so tall
my tears of joy they stream
when you enter my harsh dreams
but i only awake
to an empty heart break
when your not there
yet in my mind your everywhere.
i'v tried not to let it show
the fact that i cant let you go.
But im stuck here waiting
while my heart and sanity are debating
with every song i hear
from my eye leaves a tear
i love you
and everything you do
for the wishes and hopes that i so stupidly hold
soon they will be burned;
there will be a lesson learned
but that time hasnt come yet
and im still only trying to forget.
That when my heart goes weak
it is only you i seek
i wish it was all for me
i wish i was the only one you see
but with that single wish all hope falls
and no longer shall i stand upon my empire so tall
my tears of joy they stream
when you enter my harsh dreams
but i only awake
to an empty heart break
when your not there
yet in my mind your everywhere.
i'v tried not to let it show
the fact that i cant let you go.
But im stuck here waiting
while my heart and sanity are debating
with every song i hear
from my eye leaves a tear
i love you
and everything you do
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The day when my love went away
What is love? How do you define true love? How do you love someone?
I used to have the answers for all these questions but right now the answers seem to have disappeared from my mind? I don’t know what love is all about anymore. The feelings are really hurting me so badly and is really so painful that I do not know why he came into my life in the first place with all the promises.
Everything that I’ve did and been doing doesn’t matters to him anymore no matter how hard I tried. Where he has already closed his heart and no longer feels what or how I’ve continued improving in my temper during our years together. Timing was all suddenly isn’t right at all, where both of us began our new job and he moved in to my place to stay as it would be more convenient for him to travel to work.
I was having a tough and hard time at my new job where I’ve tried to share with him about my unhappiness and stress. He knew that I have a weak heart and have gone through a open heart surgery before and when I'm overly stressed my thoughts and my actions will all go hay wire. He didn't care. After 2 months he said “…that his heart is no longer with me and that he does not love me anymore…” He has put all the blame on me, on my temper and I have become the main cause of the whole ordeal.
I’m only left with pain and sorrow. The love in me has turned into pain, shattered heart and shattered dreams. It was very easy for me to end my life at this point of time. However, a friend said to me “…even though you longer live in this world or even hospitalized, he would not be bothered about you anymore…”
Even if everything in the world changes, my love to my dear dear will never change. Whatever that would happen to him, I would always be by his side like the way I’ve promise him that i will love him for who he is. I still love my dear dear very much till today even though after all that he has put me through and how he has hurt me so deeply.
I used to have the answers for all these questions but right now the answers seem to have disappeared from my mind? I don’t know what love is all about anymore. The feelings are really hurting me so badly and is really so painful that I do not know why he came into my life in the first place with all the promises.
Everything that I’ve did and been doing doesn’t matters to him anymore no matter how hard I tried. Where he has already closed his heart and no longer feels what or how I’ve continued improving in my temper during our years together. Timing was all suddenly isn’t right at all, where both of us began our new job and he moved in to my place to stay as it would be more convenient for him to travel to work.
I was having a tough and hard time at my new job where I’ve tried to share with him about my unhappiness and stress. He knew that I have a weak heart and have gone through a open heart surgery before and when I'm overly stressed my thoughts and my actions will all go hay wire. He didn't care. After 2 months he said “…that his heart is no longer with me and that he does not love me anymore…” He has put all the blame on me, on my temper and I have become the main cause of the whole ordeal.
I’m only left with pain and sorrow. The love in me has turned into pain, shattered heart and shattered dreams. It was very easy for me to end my life at this point of time. However, a friend said to me “…even though you longer live in this world or even hospitalized, he would not be bothered about you anymore…”
Even if everything in the world changes, my love to my dear dear will never change. Whatever that would happen to him, I would always be by his side like the way I’ve promise him that i will love him for who he is. I still love my dear dear very much till today even though after all that he has put me through and how he has hurt me so deeply.
My Birthday Nightmare
Many wanted to know how my fairytale story was shattered and for those who knows advised and encouraged me to begin a journey with a blog...and here how's the story begins...
22nd July 2008 was the day after my birthday.
While my fiancé and I prepared ourselves for bed after a hard day at work, my fiancé suddenly said to me "Should we actually think/reconsider again whether we should continue getting married or not?" He was already lying on his bed while I just climb onto my bed.
It's my birthday time, our wedding was schedule to be in November - 3 months down the road, and I was also experiencing a tremendous stress level at my new job which I'm not able to cope with.
Tears began building up in my eyes. My heart felt crushed and my mind just went empty. I didn't know what to do at that time and all I could do was just cry and cry and cry.
I felt as I've just been thrown into a deep and dark hole...in a deep deserted forest...all alone.
22nd July 2008 was the day after my birthday.
While my fiancé and I prepared ourselves for bed after a hard day at work, my fiancé suddenly said to me "Should we actually think/reconsider again whether we should continue getting married or not?" He was already lying on his bed while I just climb onto my bed.
It's my birthday time, our wedding was schedule to be in November - 3 months down the road, and I was also experiencing a tremendous stress level at my new job which I'm not able to cope with.
Tears began building up in my eyes. My heart felt crushed and my mind just went empty. I didn't know what to do at that time and all I could do was just cry and cry and cry.
I felt as I've just been thrown into a deep and dark hole...in a deep deserted forest...all alone.
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