can we start again? can we... will you?

it’s so hard to express what's on my mind, what's in my heart...

only wish u'd understand. only wish u'd remember. remember how we used to be. have u forgotten? can we start again? can we ... will you?

can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus....

since that day, i've been crying everyday till my eyes are all red and swollen and i still carried on going to work, getting my job done and attending to meetings just as i am. i didn't really bothered how my eyes look. i had sleepless nights and have not been eating since then. every night i will just cry in bed till i'm left with no more tears and tired.

he just left and did not return to my place anymore. the day he left i sadly pack his clothes for him while he sits on his bed watching tv. no calls, no visits from him since that day. he no longer cared. i was left all alone. i had no one to turn to at that time and only till one fine day i only seek comfort from 2 friends who knows both of us.

i continued crying and crying and suffered all alone till i've lost track of time. my life, my happiness, my dreams has all suddenly went downstream.

heart crushed

I can't remember the day i found the lovely dovy messages in my Dear Dear's mobile phone. However, I could clearly recall the words and some sentences...baby, babe, honey, princess, darling, miss u, muacks, welcome back darling...miss u...muacks, will see you tomorrow in office, calling another person "lou po" (means wife)...and etc.

At last I confronted him one day and he said that this is how they use to communicate in his new office. I then asked him how come I don't and never receive these kind of sms, he said that do we still and actually need all these type of things at our stage. I was totally out of words.

'Mary Says' is an old song by Wang Lee Hom. I have been searching for the lyrics for a long time... finally...

Mary Says
How long has it been since i held you near?
How long will it be till i have you right here?
You say that hurts i can't disagree
But how can i hold on to someone who's leaving me?
And Mary says she's gonna be ok
She tells me things are getting busier these days
(She tells me things will be much easier someday)
And Mary says she's gonna be alright
You know how much i miss her in my life
(You know how much i'm missing her deep inside)
Goodbye yesterday i see my dreams walking away
And Mary looks just like she did before
Except she don’t, she don’t love me anymore
I could shake your hand or I could kiss you goodbyes
But i just might break down looking in you brown eyes
So what happens next
Do i listen to my mind or heart?
I don't know where to start feeling again...

the story book of our photos

I’ve made an album filled with both our photos from the 1st day onwards. The album also has the movie tickets as well as concert tickets which we have been together. All the diamond moments that we shared have always been special to me and I would like to put all the smiles that we share into our life story book which I thought it would be a never ending fairy tale story book that we would be able to cherish it forever. Every loving couple would have a bad chapter of their own but they would be able to open a brand new happy chapter together. As for me, the chapter ended and the book was closed so fast till it had me going nowhere.

It’s painful to continue loving him whom doesn’t bother or care about me anymore and my heart still longs for him.

Girl

When a GIRL is quiet,

Millions of things are running in her mind
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention
When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it
When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future
When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that.

I love you with all i am

The feeling inside is nothing but an icy cold
for the wishes and hopes that i so stupidly hold

soon they will be burned;
there will be a lesson learned
but that time hasnt come yet
and im still only trying to forget.
That when my heart goes weak
it is only you i seek

i wish it was all for me
i wish i was the only one you see
but with that single wish all hope falls
and no longer shall i stand upon my empire so tall

my tears of joy they stream
when you enter my harsh dreams
but i only awake
to an empty heart break
when your not there
yet in my mind your everywhere.

i'v tried not to let it show
the fact that i cant let you go.
But im stuck here waiting
while my heart and sanity are debating

with every song i hear
from my eye leaves a tear
i love you
and everything you do

The day when my love went away

What is love? How do you define true love? How do you love someone?

I used to have the answers for all these questions but right now the answers seem to have disappeared from my mind? I don’t know what love is all about anymore. The feelings are really hurting me so badly and is really so painful that I do not know why he came into my life in the first place with all the promises.

Everything that I’ve did and been doing doesn’t matters to him anymore no matter how hard I tried. Where he has already closed his heart and no longer feels what or how I’ve continued improving in my temper during our years together. Timing was all suddenly isn’t right at all, where both of us began our new job and he moved in to my place to stay as it would be more convenient for him to travel to work.

I was having a tough and hard time at my new job where I’ve tried to share with him about my unhappiness and stress. He knew that I have a weak heart and have gone through a open heart surgery before and when I'm overly stressed my thoughts and my actions will all go hay wire. He didn't care. After 2 months he said “…that his heart is no longer with me and that he does not love me anymore…” He has put all the blame on me, on my temper and I have become the main cause of the whole ordeal.

I’m only left with pain and sorrow. The love in me has turned into pain, shattered heart and shattered dreams. It was very easy for me to end my life at this point of time. However, a friend said to me “…even though you longer live in this world or even hospitalized, he would not be bothered about you anymore…”

Even if everything in the world changes, my love to my dear dear will never change. Whatever that would happen to him, I would always be by his side like the way I’ve promise him that i will love him for who he is. I still love my dear dear very much till today even though after all that he has put me through and how he has hurt me so deeply.

My Birthday Nightmare

Many wanted to know how my fairytale story was shattered and for those who knows advised and encouraged me to begin a journey with a blog...and here how's the story begins...

22nd July 2008 was the day after my birthday.

While my fiancé and I prepared ourselves for bed after a hard day at work, my fiancé suddenly said to me "Should we actually think/reconsider again whether we should continue getting married or not?" He was already lying on his bed while I just climb onto my bed.

It's my birthday time, our wedding was schedule to be in November - 3 months down the road, and I was also experiencing a tremendous stress level at my new job which I'm not able to cope with.

Tears began building up in my eyes. My heart felt crushed and my mind just went empty. I didn't know what to do at that time and all I could do was just cry and cry and cry.

I felt as I've just been thrown into a deep and dark hole...in a deep deserted forest...all alone.