A Visit to His Mum

After months of sleepless nights, crying, being in a stage depression, having friends consoling me, I finally decided to make a visit to his mum after months of thought with the only intention of explaining to his mum of how the tables were turned, how things has transpired to be in this stage and what actually has happened. Many have asked me why do I want meet his mum for? Am I expecting his mum to change things?

My answer to all these is “No.” I had a sense that the family does not know anything but only knows it’s my entire fault, attitude and my temper. Friends have also warned me that his mum will definitely side his son no matter in what circumstances. I know this for sure and I’m well prepared for all these. I’ve lost my dignity and I just wanted my dignity back. I don’t want to loose the house and I want my house back. I’ve paid up so much for the house where I can’t afford to loose 40K ++ just like that.

The morning came and I prepared myself to travel to his home to meet his mum. Knowing he’s out of the country for a holiday. I said to his mum that I came is because I would like to let her know what actually has happened.

I said “He moved in to my place as I offered my place for him as it would be nearer for him to travel to his new office. Both of us had a new job and change of living environment at the same time. Just with only 2 months period of staying together he could just say don’t want to get married anymore and want to split with me.”

I said “To him, staying at my place was a major change for him in environment. As he reaches home around 6.00pm to 6.30pm while I only reaches home earliest around 8.00pm where I would try my best to go home as early as possible to be with him, accompany him, have dinner with him, spend time with him and etc. I was trying to make him feel as comfortable as he can be.”

After he said those hurtful words to me. He added “He’s like troubling my brother, my parents, and my brother may not like him staying here and etc.” He went thinking of unnecessary things.

I said “He goes back to an empty house. If compared to his home here, he comes home to a lively home where he has parents, brothers, sisters-in-law and nephew. Lots of people, lots of noise. His home here, he comes home from work, he has you as the mum to talk to, he has dinner prepared for him and every other household matter is done for him. He doesn’t need to worry about anything.”

I said “He’s very much fortunate than me and my brother. He has parents and family here. Compared to my brother and myself, we are on our own after Form 5. When we are hungry, we look for our own food. We have to do everything on our own, example laundry, cleaning, moving, finances and etc as if we don’t do our laundry we won’t have clothes to wear.”

I said “We have a different life. Everyone has their own different lifestyle. Nobody grew up the same way.”

I said to his mum “I know I loose my temper like that is my fault and I don’t deny it. After 1 week plus of working in the new company, I came home telling him that I’m unhappy with the job, I feel very very stressful, tired, headache, difficulty in breathing and I don’t think I like these type of job with especially so many reports to do.”

Within 2 weeks in the new job my weight went down from 40kg to 35kg. I had sleepless nights and countless work worries.

I said “He scolded me “Which job is easy, not stressful, do you think is so easy to get a job now?” What he said is correct and true, however he doesn’t need to scold and shout at me right. I’m only a girl. My strength level is not as strong as guys.”

I said “I just kept quiet and continue working and continuously hinting to him about what I’ve mentioned to him earlier.”

I said “The things he said is true but he didn’t need to scold me in a loud manner right.”

I said “I don’t believe there are 2 of the same kind in the world.” “I don’t believe there’s no couple’s that would not quarrel. Be it a couple in a courting stage relationship, family or husband and wife who would not quarrel.” “If every couple who quarrels and opts for the easy way out which is to stop the relationship, those in courting stages will separate and those in marriage will divorce. No wonder divorce rate is increasing. Then why do we want to spend so much time, effort and money to a marriage.”

I said “When I first stated off with him, he doesn’t have much money. Whenever he doesn’t have I’ll give him. Whenever I see his wallet empty, I’ll quietly put in some for him. When he travels outstation and don’t have money, he’ll let me know and I’ll transfer to him immediately. Cos I’ve told him before that he must let me know when he don’t have enough as he cannot travel without any cash in hand. When he’s outstation and forgot to pay credit card, he’ll call me and I’ll quickly drive to the bank and settle the payment for him. I did not ask him back for all these as to me, when 2 of person are together the most important thing is happiness. Do not need to be calculative on these things as all these are not that important as we can slowly accommodate and plan on it.”

I said “Before, when he was working with his Indian boss, whenever he’s not happy and everyday he’ll call me to complain, voice his heart out, make noise and I’ll just listen, console him and encourage him till an extent I said to him that I think you should try looking for other jobs. Looking for a job doesn’t mean you have to change job but at least you know what’s your value and how much you’re worth outside in the market. I slowly kick him to move, I wrote his resume for him, print his resume for him, bought newspaper, look for jobs for him and send his resumes to the positions I found. Encourage him to go for the interviews, keep on encouraging him after some bad interviews and even accompany him to an interview which was successful and where he’s working now, with a much better and higher pay, better working environment and an improved job scope. But when I tried to share with him about my work issues and problems, all he did was just to scold me only. He didn’t bother to ask.”

His mum said “He did not tell them anything as he does not want the family to worry. Since young he will always settle his own things. Doesn’t need the family members to worry about him.”

I said “I’m also the same. After what has happened, I did not tell my parents anything only tills after a very long period.”

His mum said “He’s the person that can’t be controlled in whatever he wants to do or does and etc.”

I said “Auntie, I didn’t control him, wherever he wants to go, whoever that he wants to go out with, whatever that he wants to do, I would just say “OK” and would only ask him where he’s going, with who and would always remind him to be careful.”

“Whenever he wants to go out with his friends, go for his basketball games, karaoke...I would always ask him go and have fun. However, basketball games till 12am still not back yet; I would normally call him not to check on him but are concern of his safety. The safety in the country are worst compared to previous years. My girl friend brother was just sitting at Starbucks can also be robbed. The least he picks up my call and said they’ve just done with their games and are heading for a drink 1st, where hearing his voice will then put my heart at peace.”

“Going for karaoke with his colleagues, informing that he’ll be back by 10-10+pm. However, upon reaching home around 10pm and sees he’s still not back yet, I just continue working on my unfinished task from office till suddenly realizing it’s almost midnight, I began to worry as he’s still not back, no phone calls, no sms, I began calling his mobile and only on the 4th call he picks up, as at this moment I’m already worried. Upon hearing his voice my heart was at peace immediately. He said he’s still at karaoke and will be back soon. I said to him “You scared me. I thought what happened to you. But it’s ok, you just be careful ya, drive carefully.”

I told his mum all these as I do not want to keep all these in my heart anymore. I was concern about him but was being mistaken for otherwise. As he keeps saying that I’m controlling him without realising it. If I didn’t care or bothered about him or he’s not important to me, why would I be concern about him?

I said “Both of us are working and will have our individual stress. This is true. In addition, dealing with the new house matters (developer, lawyer and bank), getting the wedding preparation things done and serving the house loan are all in my hands. When I’m not working, I’m serving the house loan on my own luckily with the savings I had and with GOD providence, I was able to continue doing so.”

I said “Previously my salary is only out on 7th of the month. The statement from OCBC only comes within this period and most of the middle of the week. Once I get my salary I will quickly have the cash ready to make the payment. As weekends we would normally go out, and only sometimes I would ask him to drop by to the bank for me to deposit the cash into the machine but he would grumble, black face and scold me. If late payment is made, there would be penalty charges.”

I said to his mum “I’ve paid up the balance, taken the house keys, completed the checklist and completed the 1st inspection all on my own. He did not bother. I’ve been doing everything on my own and yet he says I always depend on him.”

I said “I work outside. After work, come home, I still need to do all the housework by myself.” “Once comes weekend, he wants to back to his home here quickly to sees his mum and family. I understand this as I have been through this stage before.”

I said “I just asked him to let me know in advance what day he wants to go back to his place. Whether it will be Friday night or Saturday morning? If he wants to go back on Friday night, then I’ll finish all the house chores by Thursday night. If on Saturday morning, then I’ll finish the house chores by Friday night. Is this too much to ask for?”

I said “Knowing he would want to stay at his place till late Sunday night then only head back to my home. I’m ok with this. I don’t mind.” “However, at least I could finish all the laundry especially. If not he won’t have shirts to wear for the following week. When the laundry is done before the weekend, when we go back to my place on Sunday night, the laundry will be dry and I would just need to iron his shirts for him. No worries then as things will be in order.”

I said “In life we always need to plan ahead even though knowing that plans are just plans. If we never plan, we would not know what we actually want or where we are actually heading.” “Everybody plans, but how far can our plan goes and how far our plans can succeed is a totally different story.”

His mum said “I thought he gives you money every month, I’ve asked him before; he said he gives you money every month.”

I said “No. He did not give me anything at all. However he did give me 1,000 in September, October where I told him I have no more money already to serve the house loan and this 1,000 is isn’t enough to serve the house loan.”

I was shocked to hear this. Was also surprised to hear his mum said this.

I said “When we need to collect the house keys and make the balance payment, he said to me that he doesn’t have the money. I told him I will settle the payment as I would need to write in for some discount based on some matters from the beginning of the purchase.” He doesn’t understand and knows what all about regarding of the balance payment owing to the developer, the letter which I was talking about and etc as all the while he always ask me to settle only. When I shared with him, he went doing something else and shows a not interested language.

All the while I kept all these within myself. I didn’t even tell anyone including my parents that I’m paying for the house on my own. I just wanted to cover for him and have him to look good in front of my family, his family, our friends and his friends. However, things have turned out to a way that I need to take back my dignity instead of having all the arrows continuously pointing at me. Everyone was hearing how bad I am and I don’t know how to appreciate him and me having such a bad attitude.

I added this to his mum “After we bought our house, his buddy friends asked him “Why do you buy a house for? Buy such a big house for what? Why buy so far? I said to him “You said that you wish to have your own home, then plan for marriage to settle down. You were the one who decided to buy the house, you chose the location and I only chose the house direction and paid the deposit. After what your friends said to you now you are having 2nd thoughts after committing? He kept quiet after that and said nothing much and happily went telling his others friends that we bought a house and his other friends were happy for us. When he said to his buddy friends, similar thing happened again. “Why do you want to get married? Why are you getting married for? Married because of Love or responsibility?” He said to his buddy friends “We’ve been together for 3 years, got our own home already, thought it would be time to settle down.”

I said “His buddy friends asked him to choose either love or responsibility. He chose responsibility.” “The buddy friends told him that his reason for marriage is wrong.”

Is there a true and real reason for marriage? Right now, I myself also do not know what’s the true meaning of a marriage, love and the reason for a marriage?

Life is full of trials and struggles but we have to learn to enjoy and remember the happy moments, we grow up, study hard, build our career, have a good and stable job, enjoy our growing pains, engaged, marriage, family, kids and etc. Everyone lives to get married, have kids and have their own family. Isn’t this so?

However, things were opposite when he tells his other friends that we are getting married, everyone are so happy for us. Things are so different.

I said “Why is it the things that he’s suppose to do he doesn’t do, the things which he’s not suppose to do he does it, things which he’s should not be thinking so much he goes thinking and thinking, where the things which he’s suppose to think he doesn’t go thinking about it. That’s probably why matters turned out this way.”

I said “After misunderstanding and arguments happened, he went telling his buddy friends. His buddy friends said “this type of girl you want for what, just cut off the relationship, find another one and let her be. She’s also not matured as her age, like a small little girl, doesn’t act like her age and etc.”

I said “How much do the buddy friends know me or even understand me? They only see me like 3 times a year and they could just judge me just with a snap of their fingers.” “I only see them during CNY, trips or birthday dinners. During these times do I really need to stand so firm or not? Do I really need to stand so strong in front of my boyfriend or not? Is being happy, enjoying my boyfriend by my side, a little pampered with my boyfriend a wrong?”

I said to his mum, “There was once where I was really really very angry and really lost my temper. My birthday was on Monday, as usual I would expect him to accompany me for Friday, Saturday and Sunday to spend time with me and celebrate my birthday with me. We need to work on Monday. I just got off the phone from a nasty vendor and he called telling me that he’s rushing back to his place to celebrate his gal friend birthday with her. I was really fuming mad and said “What about me? So, she’s more important than me is it?” He just kept quiet and hang up. How would I feel?” I told his mum the girl name as his mum knew them.

I said “I just wanted to have my fiancé, husband to be by my side, having his shoulder for me to cry on, to lean on or even to depend on for awhile after a hard and tough week at work. Is it too much to ask for?”

I said “He a good person, a good guy and I loved him very much. He’s a very nice person and treats me very nice. However, now he had hurt me tremendously where it is too much for me to bear and I don’t know what to do anymore. He said that he also gets scolding from doctors everyday and also have pressure and it’s not only me who faces difficulty. However, how bad and rough can doctors scold you? Will doctors scold you 4 letter words? Will doctors scold you using foul languages? I get scolding till you feel that don’t even worth a single cent.

I said “He calls another girl “lou po” right in front of me. He didn’t even call me “lou po” at all. Calls another girl baby right in front of me. The sms I saw with all the lovely dovy words baby, babe, honey, princess, darling, miss u, muacks, welcome back darling...miss u...muacks and etc was all so so tremendously hurtful. I didn’t have these words in said from him to me and not even sms like these at all. When I did approach him, he said “do we still need these types of things where we are already in marriage stage?” I love him so much and I really don’t know why he’s doing these to me.

His mum said she knows who’s the colleague that he calls “lou po”. And I told the mum I’m sorry but I cannot accept this.

His mum asked “What did he actually said to me?”

I said “Auntie, you wouldn’t want to know. It’s like having few pairs of knives stabbing into you. I won’t tell.”

I didn’t want to hurt his mum feelings. Parents will always side their own children and it doesn’t matters anymore. As I only wanted my dignity back and the house only.

His mum said “You really should sit down and talk to him about all these.”

I said “I’ve tried and he doesn’t want to.”

I said “He said he doesn’t know how to solve this problem. Therefore he chose the easy way out by just ending everything and walking out just like that.” “I’ve also asked him about the house matters, and he just answer abruptly by saying he doesn’t know.”

I said “He said he doesn’t know what will happen in the future. I also do not know what will happen in the future. Auntie, do you know what will happen in the future? No one knows what will happen in the future.” “It’s what we want our future to be, therefore we would continuously mould what we have now and work towards the future that we want.”

Along the entire conversation, my friend sat beside me watching tv and his mum also sat there with her face looking at the tv and watching it too. She only looked at me once or twice only during the whole conversation.