Fragments and pieces of the image of happiness is keep on flowing to me day by days recently. Is so real that I could actually touch on it and feel that is still there. I don't know why this feeling keeps on coming back to me and I knew is something that is gone and it will not come back any more. Places we go, things we do, places we eat, the touch and everything is keep on coming back to me even I choose to let to.
This is the real suffering that i am going through now. Why
God choose to put me through this trial of life. My faith towards love and relationship is all gone. I don't trust marriage anymore as i know deep inside i have fear in me. I pray to God to please help this poor soul to move on in my life...
Everyday now is filled with all this killing memories and the pressure is getting deeper and deeper and i really feel i am suffocated. I really hope if there is a way out from this....
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
taking credits
when you had no money in your wallet, i quietly added some into your wallet
when you tell me you need some cash, I gave it to you
when you needed money, I transferred to you
when you forgot to settle your credit card, i settle it for you
when we went out, I contributed on the expenses – toll, parking, food
when you wanted things that you like, i tried my best to get them for you
when you really like some things to modify your car, and you couldn’t afford it, I got it for you
when you had no money to fix your car alarm, I sponsored you as you travels outstation frequently
when you were involved in a bad car accident, i borrowed you my car while i walk to work
we bought a house together and you ask me to settle everything
i dealt with the developer, lawyer and bank on the house matters
i prepared all the necessary documents needed, took time to understand all the procedures
i wrote to them asking for waiver on this and that but you weren’t aware was i was doing
i came out with a bigger deposit amount for our house
i ensured that payments are made on time to avoid penalty, and you took these as frustrations
i paid for the house interest and house loan, you settle the smallest portion of the insurance
i went around doing banking alone, and only sometimes during weekends I just ask you to drop by to the bank when we’re on our way somewhere to pay the house loan, you grumble, scold and black face at me, yet I did not say anything but apologize.
you always say once you get your salary and claims, you’ll transfer some money back to me, but it never did happen and never did i utter a single word
i arranged and sourced for our wedding preparations as u ask me to settle everything
only needed you to accompany to sort out our wedding things and you weren’t happy with it.
you said why I can’t go and settle these things on my own. Hey...is it my wedding or our wedding?
i paid for my own wedding gown
i tailor-made and paid my own evening gown
i paid for my family attire’s
i paid for the photographer that you like and chosen
i had nothing left then, when I said to you that you’ll need to pay for the restaurant deposit. The restaurant was chasing me every 2 days where I only said to you once a week and you show unhappiness and black face to me.
i paid for your shoes...probably this is why you ran away...
after all these, matters which i’ve been doing on my own
yet you say I’m always depending on you, giving you burden,
i did everything but you took credits for everything.
when you tell me you need some cash, I gave it to you
when you needed money, I transferred to you
when you forgot to settle your credit card, i settle it for you
when we went out, I contributed on the expenses – toll, parking, food
when you wanted things that you like, i tried my best to get them for you
when you really like some things to modify your car, and you couldn’t afford it, I got it for you
when you had no money to fix your car alarm, I sponsored you as you travels outstation frequently
when you were involved in a bad car accident, i borrowed you my car while i walk to work
we bought a house together and you ask me to settle everything
i dealt with the developer, lawyer and bank on the house matters
i prepared all the necessary documents needed, took time to understand all the procedures
i wrote to them asking for waiver on this and that but you weren’t aware was i was doing
i came out with a bigger deposit amount for our house
i ensured that payments are made on time to avoid penalty, and you took these as frustrations
i paid for the house interest and house loan, you settle the smallest portion of the insurance
i went around doing banking alone, and only sometimes during weekends I just ask you to drop by to the bank when we’re on our way somewhere to pay the house loan, you grumble, scold and black face at me, yet I did not say anything but apologize.
you always say once you get your salary and claims, you’ll transfer some money back to me, but it never did happen and never did i utter a single word
i arranged and sourced for our wedding preparations as u ask me to settle everything
only needed you to accompany to sort out our wedding things and you weren’t happy with it.
you said why I can’t go and settle these things on my own. Hey...is it my wedding or our wedding?
i paid for my own wedding gown
i tailor-made and paid my own evening gown
i paid for my family attire’s
i paid for the photographer that you like and chosen
i had nothing left then, when I said to you that you’ll need to pay for the restaurant deposit. The restaurant was chasing me every 2 days where I only said to you once a week and you show unhappiness and black face to me.
i paid for your shoes...probably this is why you ran away...
after all these, matters which i’ve been doing on my own
yet you say I’m always depending on you, giving you burden,
i did everything but you took credits for everything.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Shattered Dreams
now, you have walked away
your life is full of relief and happiness
you messed with my life
leaving me with shattered dreams
eyes wide awake
crying on my bed
you didn’t even console me
leaving me in a mess
you broke my heart
did it with your mind
life seemed like hell
death seemed more like happiness
you filled me with sadness
filled me with depression
you crushed my heart
with your own hands
you forced me into a corner
pointing all the arrows at me
you forced me facing all your complains
leaving me suffering alone
you complained on my temper
said your heart has gone away
the burden i carried was never mentioned
the sacrifices that I made was never cherished
you put a scar on my forehead
the scar which is because of you
leaving me with empty promises
which you have many times made
you took my life away
along with all that i have
leaving me with nothing behind
but only shattered heart, shattered dreams and shattered life
now, your eyes is full of joy
enjoying life with your best buddies
i’ll remember what you did to me
telling my story to the world
- mary ann
your life is full of relief and happiness
you messed with my life
leaving me with shattered dreams
eyes wide awake
crying on my bed
you didn’t even console me
leaving me in a mess
you broke my heart
did it with your mind
life seemed like hell
death seemed more like happiness
you filled me with sadness
filled me with depression
you crushed my heart
with your own hands
you forced me into a corner
pointing all the arrows at me
you forced me facing all your complains
leaving me suffering alone
you complained on my temper
said your heart has gone away
the burden i carried was never mentioned
the sacrifices that I made was never cherished
you put a scar on my forehead
the scar which is because of you
leaving me with empty promises
which you have many times made
you took my life away
along with all that i have
leaving me with nothing behind
but only shattered heart, shattered dreams and shattered life
now, your eyes is full of joy
enjoying life with your best buddies
i’ll remember what you did to me
telling my story to the world
- mary ann
Sunday, January 4, 2009
...when i was little
i just found out today that i had typhoid when i was a very little girl. i knew i was always in out of hospitals when i was young but didn't really know the details.
they said i was admitted to our lady hospital for around 2 weeks, having injections for every 2 hours or 2 injections for every 6 hours till i cries everytime i see the nurse coming and have my parents spend a great amount of money on me.
they said i've most probably got bitten my some insects or something when they took me somewhere.
i asked why not general hospital but our lady hospital...said cos i was very precious...
no wonder why i am always afraid of injections since school days...wonder this may be one of the reasons.
they said i was admitted to our lady hospital for around 2 weeks, having injections for every 2 hours or 2 injections for every 6 hours till i cries everytime i see the nurse coming and have my parents spend a great amount of money on me.
they said i've most probably got bitten my some insects or something when they took me somewhere.
i asked why not general hospital but our lady hospital...said cos i was very precious...
no wonder why i am always afraid of injections since school days...wonder this may be one of the reasons.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
after a whirlwind of events
The thing that’s most precious to me has become the furthest away
I knew you so well, and now it’s all a memory
What makes it so painful
Is the fact that you think you’re doing me a favour by saying goodbye
You’re the closest to me, and yet the hardest to understand
I loved you so much, and now it’s all an excuse
i m suddently left with a messy life, messy brain, energy fully drained out...but all these swirling and twisting has not ended. dunno why or what happened, but my life has suddently took a 360 degrees turn like being swept into a whirlwind.
friends kept reminding me to LET IT GO, GET OVER IT but it's not as easy as it's being said than done and they know it too. they said i really need time...yalots of time where i definitely knows it will be years...dunno till when as i can only hope time will heal my shattered heart. i've decided to let it be and avoid all things related to this situation as maybe i'll get over it faster...
things changed. people changed. for better or worse - nobody could tell as only time will reveal.
my life has changed. i have changed. my thinking has changed.
2009 will be better - i definitely foresee it's not gonna be a smooth sailing year ahead, but i m sure i will come out triumphant :) so, wish me the best & i wish u the same, too.
I knew you so well, and now it’s all a memory
What makes it so painful
Is the fact that you think you’re doing me a favour by saying goodbye
You’re the closest to me, and yet the hardest to understand
I loved you so much, and now it’s all an excuse
i m suddently left with a messy life, messy brain, energy fully drained out...but all these swirling and twisting has not ended. dunno why or what happened, but my life has suddently took a 360 degrees turn like being swept into a whirlwind.
friends kept reminding me to LET IT GO, GET OVER IT but it's not as easy as it's being said than done and they know it too. they said i really need time...yalots of time where i definitely knows it will be years...dunno till when as i can only hope time will heal my shattered heart. i've decided to let it be and avoid all things related to this situation as maybe i'll get over it faster...
things changed. people changed. for better or worse - nobody could tell as only time will reveal.
my life has changed. i have changed. my thinking has changed.
2009 will be better - i definitely foresee it's not gonna be a smooth sailing year ahead, but i m sure i will come out triumphant :) so, wish me the best & i wish u the same, too.
cleaning and washing
I went to collect back my house keys from the developer today and check on the correction works which they have completed. So far so good. But noticed some leakeage so need to submit report again. Since was going over there i also clean up the place and lalangs has grown quite a lot at the garden area. Tried to kill and remove all the lalangs but its not an easy task. Planning to save money to buy good new soil and replace the mud soil which the developer gave. Washed the porched and house too and went home feeling ache here and there.
Why do you hurt me?
Can’t you see through my eyes?
That I love you
Your emotions cold
And so bold towards me
All I do is love you
And you mistreat me like this
Why do I take your dis?
I try to get close to you
Why push me away?
My heart sways back and forth
Not knowing if your love is true
You don’t value my worth
Can’t believe I called you my boo
Maybe its time for me to leave
Not look back and wonder
TheWhat if’s…
I’ve done my time and grieved
You’re nothing more than a stranger
A mere soul consumed by your anger
My tears roll down my face
Thinking of the time
That will never be replaced
Your touch, your face
To much for me to bear
Because you’ve made it clear
That you just don’t care
Just let me go
I can’t take it anymore
I’m at my wits end
Open the door and let me go
Let me be free
So I can see
What real love means
My heart is aching
Just let me be
Let me flee
To arms of someone…
Who will love me.
Can’t you see through my eyes?
That I love you
Your emotions cold
And so bold towards me
All I do is love you
And you mistreat me like this
Why do I take your dis?
I try to get close to you
Why push me away?
My heart sways back and forth
Not knowing if your love is true
You don’t value my worth
Can’t believe I called you my boo
Maybe its time for me to leave
Not look back and wonder
TheWhat if’s…
I’ve done my time and grieved
You’re nothing more than a stranger
A mere soul consumed by your anger
My tears roll down my face
Thinking of the time
That will never be replaced
Your touch, your face
To much for me to bear
Because you’ve made it clear
That you just don’t care
Just let me go
I can’t take it anymore
I’m at my wits end
Open the door and let me go
Let me be free
So I can see
What real love means
My heart is aching
Just let me be
Let me flee
To arms of someone…
Who will love me.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Reflection
Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences and failing to achieve anything useful.
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